| The Free Site | vBuddy - social networking for webmasters | Cheap Web Hosting - starting at $5 |
December 30, 2006
Cleanin' out my closet.I just finished 8 Mile. I have been avoiding it for years.
See, I have this strange relationship with Eminem. My brother brought him to my attention around 1999, after I had lost my infatuation with gansta rap, and when he told me about this white rapper who was "one of us" (meaning white trash), my response was "Oh sure. Didn't we already go through this with Vanilla Ice? Claiming to be something he was not--and not really having any artistic merit?" I still shudder that Madonna put him in her Sex book. Anyway, Mathers stayed on my radar, but as no more than a curiosity through the years.
Then, in 2003, while I was working at a strip club (as a cocktail waitress--put yer dollars down) in West L.A., the DJ kept playing tracks from his new album. Not only were the beats heavy and loin buzzing in that way that only seems to occur on strip club sound systems--but the rhymes were really clever, occasionally intelligent, tongue-twistingly dense, loaded and complex. I bought The Eminem Show and listened to it with regularity. Nothing resonates more for an Appalachian-born, trailer-home raised white trash chick like me than listening to "Say Goodbye Hollywood" as I cruised down LaBrea to some rehearsal in--you guessed it--Hollywood.
Even then, I made jokes to friends about how Eminem just needed a strong woman (like me) to kick his ass, and then he'd get in line. But I've changed my mind. Sort of.
Okay. 8 Mile isn't going to win any Oscars. It's a good movie. Sometimes formulaic, with that Rocky-esque "rise above it" feel to it. But the beautiful thing about it (and sorry if I'm spoiling, stop here if you haven't seen it, and don't want to know) is that there's no success story, beyond personal triumph. And that is the most triumphant thing of all, to me. There's always something so false in pictures that show the peasant becoming the king--with the big musical swell at the end. Sometimes, after the triumph, you just gotta go back to work. You take those golden moments where you can--and somehow, it makes them all the more profound.
I still think Eminem needs his ass kicked. By a strong female who doesn't want a thing from him, except to show himself even more fully to himself. But I'd buy him a drink after. :) And you know what? The bitch is a pretty damn good actor.
December 24, 2006
Hilarious survey created by my bro.Let's see if we can get this thing circulating around myspace...
***Would you prefer to have seventeen arms, or nineteen?
More is always better for bakin', baby.*** My carburetor should always be dunked in __________.
Cherry flavored Kool-Aid. Or that cool shit from T2.*** It's vacation time. Turkmenistan or Tajikistan?
Egad. Um, Florence? *cough**** Complete the following analogy.
Speculation : my inevitable coupling with George Clooney.Roquefort cheese : a homeless man's underpants.
Captain Picard : ______________? Bald + smart + authoritative + British = God
*** In a play about the life of August Strindberg, would you rather play the woman on the left, or the woman on the right?
My ephemeral nature allows me to play both. After all, popular belief says he would see them as the same woman, anyway...*** I ________ to ____________ when ____________ is _____________ing ___________ of __________ and ______ in _________.
I vow to revolt when the world is finally fucking devoid of humanity and compassion in relating to each other (we're almost there--I'm currently polishing my shield & sword).*** Which unproduced movie sequel would you prefer to direct: Citizen Kane Jr., Dog Day Evening, Codicils of Endearment, or Quest for Weenies and Marshmallows?
Codicils...only because the title slays me, & it would allow me to poke fun of attorneys.*** Complete the following sequence: 1, 4, dog breath, 4, ytterbium, -37.5, ___________.
Influenza.*** If cats were colors, would tomatoes taste like F# or G#?
C Flat, actually.*** There are fourteen thousand five hundred and seventy three hexagonal objects on a silver tray before you. Have you ever ice skated?
Fuckin' A.December 14, 2006
From John O'Donohue's Beauty: The Invisible EmbraceLet Beauty Surprise You
When we awaken to the call of Beauty, we become aware of new ways of being in the world. We were created to be creators. At its deepest heart, creativity is meant to serve and evoke beauty. When this desire and capacity come alive, new wells spring up in parched ground; difficulty becomes invitation and rather than striving against the grain of our nature, we fall into rhythm with its deepest urgency and passion. The time is now ripe for beauty to surprise and liberate us. Beauty is a free spirit and will not be trapped within the grid of intentionality. In the light of beauty, the strategies of the ego melt like a web against a candle. As Frederick Turner puts it, 'Beauty...is the highest integrative level of understanding and the most comprehensive capacity for effective action. It enables us to go with, rather than against, the deepest tendency of theme of the universe.'
The wonder of the Beautiful is its ability to surprise us. With swift, sheer grace, it is like a divine breath that blows the heart open. Immune to our strategies, it can take us when we least expect it. Because our present habit of mind is governed by the calculus of consumerism and busyness, we are less and less frequently available to the exuberance of beauty. Indeed, we have brought calculation to such a level that it now seems unsophisticated to admit surprise! One of the great modern philosophers of Beauty, Immanuel Kant, spoke of the joy we take in the Beautiful as a 'disinterested delight'. The animation of the Beautiful is so immediate and fulfulling that we simply enjoy it for itself; it never occurs to us to ask what purpose it serves. Our joy in the Beautiful is as native to us as our breath, a lyrical act where we surrender but to awaken.
December 10, 2006
Yesterday=Good day.1.) Awoke with sexy dreams still lingering in my head.
2.) Bought a most triumphant pair of boots.
3.) Caught up with Darci (have a safe trip home, darling!)
4.) Baked a perfect broccoli pizza; consumed some with an excellent merlot.
5.) Worked on a creative project for a few hours.
6.) Saw Banger play one of their best shows yet, and was treated to a surprise set by Black Cat Bone, my favorite local band from the early 90s. Spiritual orgasms ensued.
7.) Came home all twinkly and talked for two hours with my new favorite person.
Yeah, good. The only downside: fell asleep with my contacts in. But it was worth it.
December 7, 2006
2006 re-cap survey.JANUARY
1. Who kissed you at midnight?
J. Paul, I'm sure. I believe we had just finished watching Gangs of New York. That's an interesting film with which to bring in the new year...2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
I rarely make resolutions. What I usually do is light a candle and verbalize what I'd like to accomplish.3. Does it snow where you live?
Currently, yes--but not where I was in January.4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Yup, with soy milk.5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No, that just seems like an overcrowded, logistical nightmare to me. I don't watch it on TV, either.FEBRUARY
1. Who was your Valentine?
I had broken up shortly before Valentine's Day, so I spent it alone.2. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
Yes, I did--saving the nicest ones for people I liked, and the crummy ones for everyone else.3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
As long as no one's exploiting him.MARCH
1. Are you Irish?
Yes, probably about 1/3.2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
Eh, kinda silly, I think. As I recall, I wore all black.3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2006?
J. Paul had a house party, and I put in an appearance, although it was uncomfortable for both of us, I think.4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
I love winter, so no matter to me.APRIL
1. Do you like the rain?
Rain is fantastic, especially when it corresponds with a thunderstorm.2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
Never do.3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
Nope; don't really celebrate Easter, either. I guess I'm just an 'ole stick-in-the-mud.4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Hitler's birthday? Ah, no. :PMAY
1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
Star gazer lilies, roses and peonies.2. Do you like the spring?
Sure!3. Finish the phrase "April showers":
"are worth two in the bush." :)4. What is the first color you think of when you think of Spring?
Green, natch.JUNE
1. What year did/will you graduate from highschool?
Heh.2. Did you realize nothing special happens in June?
Doesn't Mother's &/or Father's Day happen?JULY
1. What did you do on the Fourth of July weekend?
Sat around morosely in my apartment, trying to calm the cats down, because of all the firecrackers going off.2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
Nope; too broke.3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
Didn't have. Goddamn, was it hot.AUGUST
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer?
Yeah--moved!2. What was your favorite summer memory of '06?
Most of my summer blew chunks--a lot of 2006 was difficult--but my going away party was very, very nice.3. Did you have a sunburn?
Nope.4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
A couple of times, but only to dig my toes in the sand and enjoy the ambiance.SEPTEMBER
1. Did you attend school/college in '06?
Yes, winter & spring semesters.2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
Chris Pallotti--philosophy instructor in the LACC system.3. Do you like fall better than summer?
Much. Autumn is my fave.OCTOBER
1. What was your Halloween costume?
Sexy Snow White.2. What's your favorite candy?
Anything dark chocolate-y.3.What did you dress up as last year?
Dr. Gonzo.NOVEMBER
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
Parents'.2. Do you love stuffing?
Love it--as long as there's no turkey inside.3. What are you thankful for?
The health and welfare of myself and my family; the wonderful people I've met recently; my friends; the changes I've made to better myself.DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
I do; but more as a time to get together with family, rather than all the Jesus stuff.2. If not, what do you celebrate?
N/A.3. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Believe it or not, I don't think I have.4. Get anything special last year?
J. Paul bought me a computer a couple of months earlier. That rocked the house.5. What do you want this year?
For the next two weeks to fly by. Then, my Christmas present will have arrived. :)6. Do you like cold weather?
It can be fun.7. Do you have any plans for New Year's?
Not at present, but I'm sure something will come up.December 4, 2006 From The Daily Om
Finding Joy In Life's Surprises
Releasing Your ExpectationsAs we endeavor to find personal fulfillment and realize our individual ideals, we naturally form emotional attachments to those outcomes we hope will come to pass. These expectations can serve as a source of stability, allowing us to draft plans based on our visions of the future, but they can also limit our potential for happiness by blinding us to equally satisfying yet unexpected outcomes. Instead of taking pleasure in the surprising circumstances unfolding around us, we mourn for the anticipation left unfulfilled. When we think of letting go of our expectations, we may find ourselves at the mercy of a small inner voice that admonishes us to strive for specific goals, even if they continually elude us. However, the opposite of expectation is not pessimism. We can retain our optimism and free ourselves from the need to focus on specific probabilities by opening our hearts and minds to a wide variety of possible outcomes.
When we expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the surprises that have the potential to become profound blessings. Likewise, we may feel that we failed to meet our inner objectives because we were unable to bring about the desired results through our choices and actions. Consider, though, that we are all at the mercy of the universal flow, and our best intentions are often thwarted by fate. As you grow increasingly open to unforeseen outcomes, you will be more apt to look for and recognize the positive elements of your new circumstances. This receptivity to the unexpected can serve you well when you are called upon to compromise with others, your life plans seem to go awry, or the world moves forward in an unanticipated manner by granting you the flexibility to see the positive aspects of almost any outcome.
The further you distance yourself from your expectations, the more exhilarating your life will become. Though a situation in which you find yourself may not correspond to your initial wants, needs, or goals, ask yourself how you can make the most of it and then do your best to adapt. Your life's journey will likely take many unpredicted and astonishing twists because you are willing to release your expectations.
November 28, 2006
My heart opens, like a Lotus blossom.I got a wonderful call from Linda Blair. Yes, that Linda Blair.
You see, some months ago, when I was living in the shithole that is Koreatown, Los Angeles, I used to pass by this sweet, beautiful Pit Bull Terrier every evening when I would park on the street. I didn't know his name, but I would stop to say hello. He was always receptive and friendly, staring up at me with these arresting light green eyes. The thing that made our encounters so bittersweet, however, was that he was chained to his doghouse, which was in a sad state of affairs. He was obviously there 24/7, as everything within reaching distance was chewed all to hell, and he was always covered in flies. Needless to say, I was disturbed.
One evening, I noticed the owner had put up a homemade sign that the dog was for sale. I called him, and of course he was an idiot, but was willing to allow me to contact people I knew in the rescue business to see if we could find him a new home. Long story short, someone in the chain got in touch with Linda, who runs a rescue organization:
Linda Blair Worldheart Foundation Who then contacted me. We worked together and got the buddy out of his current situation. With Linda's stalwart efforts and the funds of an Angel Donor, "Tony" (now Rocky's new name) was in the market for a new, humane home.
Linda's call yesterday was to let me know that he was placed with a loving family of Mom (nurse), son (about 12, who adores Tony), and female Pit Bull (smooch) who loves his company. Linda said when she left, Tony said with his eyes--"Thank you."
I am overcome tears and joy when I learn there are some stories that end happily. Thank you Linda--I'm so happy I could be a small part of making Tony's life one that is valued.
Visit Linda's site. Donate and help out. She sinks all of her money into it, and is a tireless champion for animals.
Rocky then... and Tony, now.
November 21, 2006
An Om.Seeing Beyond The Unknown
Fear Of Losing What We HaveOne of humanity's biggest fears is losing what we have. It is healthy when fear of loss helps us take steps to protect what we have worked hard to attain, but it is unhealthy to continue to fear something we can do nothing about. We need to remember that focusing our energy on fear can actually create what scares us, and holding tightly to what we have keeps us from participating in the universal flow of abundance and instead creates stagnation. Since we can only really control our thoughts and our responses, gaining proper perspective may be key to conquering such fears.
The letters of the word "fear" can be used to stand for "False Evidence Appearing Real." Fears of being separated from something or someone we feel we need for our security or happiness comes from a delusion-a distorted way of understanding ourselves and the world around us. When we understand that possessions are only representations of the energy at work in our lives, we can shift our attention to the right and proper place. We can stop fearing loss of money or success because when we understand how it is created, we can always create more. We can stop fearing loss of possessions when we realize that they are not the source of our joy or well-being but only icing on our cakes. And when we understand the energy of love, we need not hold anyone too close for fear of losing them, for we know that love does not diminish when it is given or shared, but expands beyond boundaries of time or space.
By focusing our light on our fears, they are revealed as mere shadows that disappear in the presence of mind and spirit. We can choose instead to direct our thoughts and creative power toward things of true value-love, abundance, peace, passion, and joy. These are energies that are always available to us when we place ourselves confidently in the universal flow of abundance.
November 20, 2006
Grateful.
Current mood: peacefulSometimes, life has a wonderful way of surprising you.
When you're feeling beaten up, bruised and embittered, just remember to open yourself up to realms of possibilities you may have never considered. You may find when the thing you thought you wanted to happen doesn't, there is something even more gratifying to take its place.
Be in the moment. Be open, and willing to appreciate the kindness, warmth, and comfort of strangers--who you find to be even more like you than you could ever imagine.
And always, be grateful. I know I am.
November 18, 2006
Back in the groove...
Current mood: energeticLast night was one of the most difficult performances for me--my parents, and my entire extended family were at the show. Most of them haven't seen me perform in anything since I was a kid. Prior to the the performance, I was--quite simply--a mess. Put me in front of a room full of strangers, and, while I still get nervous before a show, I trust that I will come through. But last night, the stakes were high. So much pressure, such a need to please--to represent, to show them what all of this artistic meandering through the years has yielded.
Apparently, my private meltdown and subsequent work with Patrick on my song prior to the show paid off. I gave my best performance to date, and was greeted with beaming faces and accolades after the show. I was so pleased that they were pleased. My father, who is not one to gush, gave me one of the singlemost amazing compliments of my quote-unquote career. He said my performance reminded him of Marlene Dietrich. Jesus H. Christ (and I mean that in a good way).
I am not writing this to pat myself on my back. I will always find something wrong with everything I do; my perfectionism always wins out. But I am just so thrilled to have the people I love; the people who cared for me, wiped my behind, watched me grow, stumble--and stumble again--appreciate my artistic work, the thing that is the most important to me.
I am still giddy.
November 17, 2006
I spoke too soon...
Current mood: anxiousFlubbed a couple of lines last night--plus, my headset mic fell off during my solo. At least I wasn't the only one having trouble. Buttons fell off of costumes onto the stage, and folks missed their cues throughout the show. Plus the audience was a pack of corpses. Ah, 2nd performances. Always rife with little frustrations.
Tonight will be better! I hope...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
First one's done.
Current mood: cheerfulShow opened tonight quite well--a few gaffes, but none from me. I managed to get a lot of laughs, didn't fuck up my singing, and the president of the university came over to personally congratulate me on my work and tell me how much she enjoyed it. As Dale from King of the Hill would say, "Ch-ch-cha!"
People I know are coming to see me tomorrow, and then my entire extended family, on Friday. The pressure is now on...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Late nights, long rehearsals--I wouldn't have it any other way. Current mood: melancholyI know I am going to hit a wall when this show is over this weekend. I'm going to feel so lost again, like I do after every production. Being in a show gives me such purpose, something to look forward to and immerse myself in. I hear some of the other actors complain about their costumes, hours, etc.--and I'm just so happy to be doing something, anything. Even the gunky white shoe polish and the tons and tons of shading I'm doing to make myself look decrepit...it gives me such pleasure.
The other night I was out in the house, doing some stretching before rehearsal, and just the sound of the tech people on stage, the orchestra warming up, general conversation going 'round...sounds of bliss to me.
One of the few times in my life when I've really felt at home. I thought, "This is the way it should always be."
November 11, 2006
Waiting...while all burns away, into so much ashes.I was just sitting on the front porch of my apartment building, smoking a clove cigarette. My first one in almost a year. Mind you, I HATE smoking. I find it disgusting. I've never been a regular smoker; barely an occasional one. However, for some reason, I justify a clove once or twice a year--this time I'm doing it to actually help deepen my voice for dress rehearsal tomorrow. Didn't really help; just made me dizzy and now it feels like a cat who smells like Christmas just slept in my mouth.
But while I was sitting there, it occurred to me that I was staring at the apartment building I used to live in with a guy I haven't seen in 15 years. And don't really care to. Loved him once, I guess, but that was so long ago. I can hear the sound of the U.K. football game coming from Commonwealth Stadium, and realize that my ex-husband, a man I used to love more than anything, is probably in attendance, huddled against the elements. I'm thousands of miles away from a man I still love, but can no longer be with, and I wait for a man who has awakened my interest, but he is either too cocky, too calculated, or too uninterested to bother.
It is very cold today.
November 9, 2006
For my co-workers: don't worry girls, I'm quitting.Sorry that my pissing and moaning during my first week of work managed to work its way to you. Yes, I was unhappy. Yes, I was feeling alienated. Bitching about it to my friends online made me feel better.
I never thought in a thousand years this would happen, but I was stupid enough to think that if stumbled upon, someone would actually ask me about it, before spreading it throughout the department like the clap.
My sincerest apologies. But don't we all have anger sometimes, when our lives aren't working out to our satisfaction? When we're feeling frustrated with the status quo? The only problem is, I was dumb enough to put it in print. No one was directly threatened--I was making a blanket statement about everyone, when in fact, in my mind it was directed to a few people I felt the cold shoulder from. I hadn't even met everyone yet!
If I was friendly with you, then I had no issue with you. I gave back what was given to me.
After all the embarrassment of this, my suggestion to you is--now that I'm gone--just let it go. I really don't matter in the big picture, now do I? Have a happy selling season, and my best to you, honestly.
November 5, 2006
Rushing...excitement...the threat of illness...aaaggghh!
Current mood: stressedWhenever I'm in a musical, I get sick. Dunno if it's psychosomatic, or if I just push myself so hard, my throat/chest gets sore and croaky. However--in this case--it may benefit me.
My character, Madame Armfeldt in Sondheim's A Little Night Music, is ancient--probably in her early to mid 80s. Despite the fact that I'm a fully grown adult, I still have a pretty youthful voice. Not high-pitched, mind you, just young. Sorta Winona Ryder-ish. So I have to work extra hard to age up. I often end up with this sort of weird breathy Kathleen Turner-esque quality to my voice when I try to force the age, which then is hard to project. Layer that onto my character being very affected, very pretentious, so there needs to be a haughtiness to the voice. Very difficult to make it all happen at once. Dear Homer, my director, seems to love whatever I do, so I have no worries there--but my musical director, Patrick, pushes people really hard, and expects a lot--and rightly so--and despite the fact I have no official musical theater training, I really wanna please him. So, it is at this point that the old system is either getting a serious workout, or is wearing out--which?--I'm not sure. We'll see what goes down when I rehearse with the orchestra on Wednesday *gulp*.
"Too many people..." *crack*
"Too man-ny peee-ple..." *crack*croak*
"Too many people muddle sex with mere desire...and when emotions intervene, the nets descend..."
November 4, 2006
1) Are you single, taken or crushing?
Umm...crushing.2) Are you happy with where you are?
It's getting a little better. Last night was good. Left me in a positive mood today.3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Oh, you betcha.4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Haven't we all?5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
No, never. And I've done it. But it was still wrong.6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Umm...I dunno. I'd have to know the circumstances surrounding, I guess.7) Have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
Sure. I've even _committed_ marriage with someone. Shocking!8) Do you want children?
No.9)How many?
See above.10) Would you consider adoption?
If I were richer than God, and could devote the time I think is appropriate to raising my child. Which is about 20 full years.11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way for them to tell you?
Hmm. How about one of those sweeping Harlequin Romance novel cover kisses after I finish singing "Liasons"? Promise I'll take off the old lady wig. Haha!12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Nope. Don't do that. If I'm open, I'm open.13) have you wanted someone you can't have?
Again, I say--haven't we all?14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Answered this one a million times--no.15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Sure. I think it shouldn't start until after at least a year, though.16) Do you like more than one person right now?
Umm--I feel like I'm in junior high--sure! Yeah, that's a good answer.17) If you could get married anywhere, money's not an object, where would it be?
Oh, I don't know. Venice, Italy? No, no--that castle in Scotland where Madonna & Guy Richie got married. Oh yeah, and Ashley Judd & Dario Franchilitisisiti, or whatever his name is.18) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
"Feelings" is such a vague term. And it's all relevant to how lonely you are, no?19) Have you ever wished you could have someone but you couldn't?
Ohhhhh yeaaaahhhh.20) Have you ever broken a heart?
Yessir. Still feel bad.21) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
Physically? Eh. No.22) WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ABOUT YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND/boyfriend?
I WOULD SAY, "MAN I'M SURE GLAD HE DOESN'T TYPE IN/caps."23) Would you Marry any of your Ex's if they ask?
No comment.24) Worst thing you did to get back at an Ex?
I sprayed the inside of my first serious ex-boyfriend's locker (that he shared with his new girlfriend--an ex-friend of mine--) full of water, with a school fire extinguisher. That gave me intense, perverse pleasure. :)November 2, 2006
Survey + more support as to why I am no longer a practicing Christian. Pray=prey.
Current mood: listlessWhen was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
I don't rightly recall, but I'm certain it was in an emergency.Last time you saw your parents?
Last week--we had dinner together.Family member you most resemble?
I'm an equal combo of both parents, I think.Do you wear deodorant?
Yup, combined with anti-perspirant. Deodorant doesn't last long enough.Do you clean up nice?
I reckon.When was the last time you tripped and fell?
Probably three years ago, when I was fucking hammered in Hollywood, going from strip club to strip club with some actor friends. I had on my platform boots, and the alcohol forced me to fall down so hard that my elbow landed on and crushed a metal lunchbox I was carrying as a purse. Loser times, those.Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
I wish I could say some hot guy's bed, but I'm afraid it's was at my parents' house.What are you listening to right now?
An old episode of Cheers, coming from the living room.Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
No. That's a frightening question.Would you rather cut the grass or rake the leaves?
Rake the leaves, and then run and jump into them! I used to love to do that as a child. Sounds pretty silly, but it was an aesthetic and olfactory pleasure. The crunching sound as you land; the color of the leaves swirling all around you. Quite nice, that.Your middle name spelled backwards?
ardnaxelaWhat is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?
I downloaded Adobe Acrobat for the 1500th time, but it's still shutting down my browser.Last time you swam in a pool?
Probably about a year ago, at the gym.How many kids do you want?
0.Are you registered to vote?
Yes; I'm a Green.Do you have cable?
No.Ever prank call anybody?
Yup.Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I would love to sky dive at least once; bungee jumping just seems silly to me. Yeah, I want to strap myself to a big rubber band & jump off a bridge. No thanks. At least there's an artistry to skydiving.Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
I actually haven't had time for the movies recently, but I'm going to see The Prestige very, very soon.Best pizza topping?
Mushrooms.Peanuts or popcorn?
I love them both. I probably eat more peanuts for the protein load.
Orange juice or apple juice?
Orange; had some this morning.Candy Bar?
Payday or Snickers.When was the last time you voted at the polls?
2004. I'm ashamed to say I missed the last elections, because of moving around so much. I will remedy it this go-round, though.When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Last month, at my parents' house.Sprite or 7-Up?
They're essentially the same to me.Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/school?
Yup; work.Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
I've been in true love, a few times. I'm guessing it will happen again. I believe it can happen with more than one person. But being a millionaire may only happen once. I always vote for love when it's love or money, but...I wouldn't mind trying on the money...just once. Am I a horrible person?Do you believe in love at first sight?
I've answered this one before...so, short version: no.What do you think about most?
Feeling whole. Having a life that's filled with happiness, love, art, fun, and the ability to help others in a profound way.If you could have one magical power what would it be?
Communication with animals.SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:
Something purple within 5 feet of you:
My bedroom walls. The previous tenant painted them that way, and although I didn't like them at first, I'm starting to be okay with them.Is your hair long enough to chew on?
Yes, but I don't indulge, thanks.Least favorite color?
Goldenrod.Ever had Dippin' Dots?
I tasted J. Paul's once, at the Los Angeles County Fair.
Ever played an instrument?
Flute, guitar, & piano.Ever been to a palm reader?
Just once. She was a huckster. I think it's interesting, though.
Last Pez dispenser you purchased?
Gosh, I don't remember.Did you have a good weekend?
Kinda tough, for personal reasons.How is today going for you?
Today was pretty good. Had the day off; read, kicked around the house, went to see Ashley Judd give a lecture at the University of Kentucky. She was impassioned, luminous, and inspiring (and funny!).Any plans for tonight?
See above.Ever photograph something dead?
No, I leave the incorporation of dead things in art to David Lynch.Current disappointment?
Loneliness.How tall are you?
5' 3 1/2".Where is your ideal house located?
The U.K. or Ireland.Last person you talked to?
My dad.Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yup.When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Probably with my ex-husband, 6 or 7 years ago.What are the keys on your key chain for?
My apartment, my dad's truck, my parents' house, my storage space in Culver City.-------
Letters to God End Up in Ocean, Unread
Nov 2, 10:53 PM (ET)
By WAYNE PARRYATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) - Some of the letters are comical (a man asking God to let him win the lottery, twice), others are heartbreaking (a distraught teen asking forgiveness for an abortion, an unwed mother pleading with God to make the baby's father marry her). The letters - about 300 in all, sent to a New Jersey minister - ended up dumped in the ocean, most of them unopened.
The minister died two years ago at 79. How the letters, some dating to 1973, wound up bobbing in the surf is a mystery.
"There are hundreds of lives here, a lot of struggle, washed up on the beach," said Bill Lacovara, a Ventnor insurance adjuster who was fishing last month with his son when he spotted a flowered plastic shopping bag and waded out to retrieve it. "This is just a hint of what really happens. How many letters like this all over the world aren't being opened or answered?"
Many of the letters were addressed to the Rev. Grady Cooper, though many more simply said "Altar." According to the text of several of them, they were intended to be placed on a church's altar and prayed over by the minister, the congregation or both.
Some were neatly written in script on white-lined paper, others in a feverish scrawl on tattered scraps of parchment or note cards. Many were crinkled from being in the water and then dried out after Lacovara fished them out of the sea.
A dog-eared business card inside one of the letters identified Cooper as associate pastor of the Mount Calvary Baptist Church in Jersey City. A woman who answered the phone at the church office confirmed Cooper once was a minister there, and had died nearly two years ago. The current pastor did not return several calls from The Associated Press over the past few days.
Other documents in the bag, including bank statements and canceled checks, also listed Cooper's name and an address for him in Jersey City. A death certificate issued in 2004 for a Grady Cooper lists the same address as those on the bank documents and some of the letters.
His wife, Frances, whose name also showed up on some of the letters at the same address, died in 2000, according to Hudson County records.
No one answered the door last week at the address where Cooper once lived, and a neighbor said he did not recall anyone by that name. Attempts to locate Cooper's relatives were unsuccessful.
Lacovara speculated that someone cleaning out Cooper's home found the letters and threw them on the beach in Atlantic City, about 100 miles from Jersey City.
"I guess rather than just throw them in the garbage, maybe they thought they'd set them out to sea to bless these people," he said. "So they made a trip to Atlantic City, maybe went to a casino, and put the letters in the water."
The letters, wrapped in several smaller brown paper bags inside the larger plastic bag, did not appear to have been in the water too long, Lacovara said, though about half were too badly damaged to be legible.
He opened a few with his son, Rocky, on the beach. The first few were humorous.
"I'm still praying to hit the lottery twice: first the $50,000," one man wrote. "Than after some changes have taken place let me hit the millionaire."
Another asked God to make a certain someone "leave me alone and stay off my back," while still another asks God to calm a woman who "call the Internal Revenue on me."
One woman complained that her husband always talks about sex, and another writer anonymously dropped a dime to God on someone cheating on his wife, complete with dates, times and locations.
But those, Lacovara soon found, were the exception.
Many more were written by anguished spouses, children or widows, pouring out their hearts to God, asking for help with relatives who were using drugs, gambling or cheating on them. One man wrote from prison, saying he was innocent and wanted to be back home with his family. A woman wrote that her boyfriend was now closing the door to her daughter's bedroom each night when it used to stay open, and wondered why.
A teenager poured out her heart on yellow-lined paper in the curlicue pencil handwriting of a schoolgirl, begging God to forgive her and asking for a second chance.
"Lord, I know that I have had an abortion and I killed one of your angels," she wrote. "There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the mistake I made."
One unwed mother wrote that her baby was due in four weeks, and asked God to make the father fall in love with her and marry her so the child would have a father.
Lacovara said he is sad that most of the writers never had their letters read. But he hopes to change that soon: He is putting the collection up for sale on eBay.
October 24, 2006
100 irrelevant pieces of information.1) Are you in a complicated relationship?
Only with myself.2) Do you hate more than 3 people?
I hate no one. Dislike? Yes. Hate? No.3) How many houses have you lived in?
I dunno. Several.4) Favorite candy bar?
Payday. I like peanuts.6) Have you ever tripped someone?
Nope.7) Least favorite school subject?
I didn't enjoy mathematics, but I'd like to give it another run, as an adult.8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
More than 10.9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
NO.10) Have you ever thrown up in public?
When I was a tyke.11) Name one thing that is always on your mind?
Whatever it is, I'm sure it's laden with worry.12) Favorite genre of music?
80s New Wave.13) What is your zodiac sign?:
Sun in Virgo, Ascendant in Cancer.14) What time were you born?
2:50 A.M.15) Do you like beer?
One of my faves.16) Have you made a prank phone call?
Stephanie and I kept the phones hot in our early teens.17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
Not ashamed of any of my CDs.18) Are you sarcastic?
Yes, I can be. Especially when backed against a corner during an argument. I'm not particularly proud of it.19) What are your favorite color(s)?
Black, crimson, maroon, midnight and sky blue.20) How many watches do you own?
Several, and all of them need batteries.21) Summer or winter?
Winter.22) Is anyone in love with you?
I don't know.23) Favorite color to wear?
I'm currently into pink and black together.24) Pepsi or Sprite?
Sprite, I guess--but it would have to be Diet. I don't like regular sodas.26) Where is your second home?
Currently, Dillard's.27) Have you ever slapped someone?
Um, yeah.29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?
1.30) How many video games do you own?
1, plus one I've got to send back to J. Paul.31) What was your first pet?
Donna, a kitty.32) Ever had braces?
No.33) Do looks matter?
Sure.34) Do you use chapstick?
Yes, but I like the non-petrolatum stuff.35) Name 3 teachers from high school:
Prater, Allen, Winstead.36) American Eagle or Abercrombie?
Don't care--I don't wear either.37) Are you too forgiving?
Probably.38) How many kids do you want?
None.39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Yes, quite a few things.40) Favorite breakfast meal?
The vegetarian country "works"--scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, soy bacon or sausage; or S & W Country Diner's Vegetarian Eggs Benedict. Man, I miss that place.41) Do you own a gun?
No.42) Ever thought you were in love?
Too many times, only to find out I was in something else.43) When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday. Hard.44) What did you do 2 nights ago?
Watched two epidsodes of 2nd season Carnivale, then whatever I could pick up with rabbit ears. I watched some new show with Calista Flockhart and Sally Field that wasn't half bad.45) Been to the Olive Garden?
Yeah, I like it, actually.46) Have you ever called your teacher mom?
I don't think so, no.47) Have you ever been in a castle?
No, but I will be, one of these days.49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?
Seems like I have in the past.50) Ever been to Kentucky?:
Funny. Yes. Yes, you could say that.51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?:
Nope.52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?
I'm always thinking about somebody.53) Ever called somebody Boo?
Just Boo Radley.54) Do you smoke?
Nope.55) Do you own a diamond ring?:
Nope.56) Are you happy with your life right now?
Nope.57) Do you like your hair?
Nope.58) Does anyone have a crush on you?
Dunno.60) What were you doing in May of 1994?
Doing the goth thing, writing bad poetry, falling in love with everyone.61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
No.62) McDonalds or Wendys?
Eh, Wendy's, I guess.63) Do you like yourself?
Yes, fundamentally. I just wish I was happier, right now.64) Are you closer to your mother or father?:
Probably my mother, but I'm close to both of them.65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?:
Eyes, profile.66) Are you afraid of the dark?:
No.67) Have you ever eaten paste?
Glue? Uh, no.68) Do you own a webcam?
I do, if I took the initiative to set it up.70) Ever broke a bone?
Yes. Wrist.71) Are you religious?
Only in a spiritual/philosophical sense.72) Do you chat on AIM often?:
Not anymore.73) Pringles or Lays?:
Lay's--Pringles is owned by P&G, an evil, animal testing company.74) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Naturally. Sorry, guys.76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?:
Yuck to both.77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor?
No, he had a really creepy moustache.78) Has anyone ever called you a tease?
Nope.79) Do you have a birth mark?
Yes, on the inside my left leg. It's really light, now.80) Do you own a car?
Not anymore.81) Can you cook?
Yes. I'm getting back in my groove, now that I have time to do it.82) 3 things that annoy you:
1. People who choose to be stupid and uninformed.
2. Arrogance, motivated by insecurity.
3. Unwillingness to have an open mind.83) Do you text message often?
Only when one is sent to me first. I gotta pay for them.84) Money or love?
Always, always love.85) Do you have any scars?
Quite a few. I have stories for almost all of them. Don't know about a couple, though--I believe they're scoop marks from all of my abductions. :)86) What do you want more than anything right now?
Inner peace and joy.87) Do you enjoy scary movies?
Yes, as long as they're not relying on disgusting violence for the scare factor.88) Relationships or one night stands?
One night stands never served me well. Too much old Christian guilt/baggage, and a feeling of "that still didn't fix it." You know, the big, empty "It" we're trying to fill with anonymous sex?89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit?:
Extra.90) Do you enjoy greasy food?
Yep; I was raised on it, unfortunately.91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?:
Don't think I've even seen the first one.92) Do you own a box of crayons?:
Yep, in storage.93) Ever had sex in a public place?
Yes--one of the times was at a public bus stop in Seattle. That was wacky.94) Who was the last person you said i love you to?:
One of my kitties, probably.96) Who was the last person that made you cry?
It was a combination of persons.97) Who was the last person that made you laugh?
I can't remember. That's sad.98) Who was the last person that texted you?:
Rob.99) Who was the last person that called you?
Dad.100) Who's your cell phone provider?
Suckular Wireless.October 21, 2006
Kitties and Earl Grey tea.Some days, after a long, tiring day at work, the best thing in the world to come home to is three sweet kitties and a nice, hot cup of Earl Grey tea. It's very peaceful and relaxing; soul-repairing, even.
That's right--I got a job. It's sort of uncanny, really--the day after I was re-watching the episode of Twin Peaks where Audrey goes to work at the perfume counter at Horne's Department Store, I get a job at the perfume counter(s) at Dillard's (it's like Robinson's May or a smaller Macy's). I had originally applied for a position with Clinique, but since I didn't have any experience in cosmetics, they started me off in fragrances. Let's see if anyone brings me a glass unicorn and recruits me for One-Eyed Jack's. Probably won't get hired, though; I can't tie a cherry stem with my tongue. :)
Gotta get my "retail feet" back. God, my dogs are killing me after several straight days of standing/walking/stooping/crouching. Uggh. I smell real good, though. Got lots of samples. Men, another suggestion besides Antonio: Chanel's Platinum Egoiste or Zegna by Ermenegildo Zegna. Ladies: I'm digging on Tracy by Ellen Tracy and Chance by Chanel.
Saw one of my "deeply unavailable" crushes last night. He came into Jalapeno's with his wife, while Kenn and I were having a delicious Mexican dinner. Kenn said, "There's your boyfriend," and I immediately knew who was behind me. I got up to go to the restroom, and we saw each other, but we didn't chat--dunno if it was because he was there with his wife (who bore a striking resemblance to Ana Gasteyer--at least, while looking down at her menu), or because he couldn't figure out who I was. I can't imagine it was the latter, since I spent way too many drunken minutes some weeks ago, telling him how every time I've seen him in the last 14 years, I feel like I know him. You know, sorta past-life/karmically. Sounds like a line, I know--but I was being honest. How embarrassing for both of us. The thing is, is I don't really know him, except for hellos and clapping from me in appreciation for bands he's been in. But, it's always so easy for me to romanticize a person that is off-limits. Kenn says, "You're really into those tall, gangly types, aren't you? The musicians that can also look kinda bookish," or something like that (I'm paraphrasing)...
Am I into that type? God knows I'll always be drawn to musicians/actors/artists who also look sort of, um, delicate and bookish--but my involvement with them often ends up less than delicate. I think I'm just lonely, and he's an easy person for me to fixate on, because I'd never have a chance (and wouldn't want to take it). Talk about karma.
I guess it's time for more tea, and more Carnivale.
October 18, 2006
Time for more narcissism!Which year were you born in?
Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era. But, for this incarnation, 1971.What is your heritage?
Welsh/Irish/Scottish/English/Native American.Happiest childhood moment?
A time when I created a "carnival" for my parents and brother, complete with games of chance. My bro still kids me about my sign "Pick a Nuber."Favorite pizza topping?
All veggies--especially black and green olives, and mushrooms.Have you ever travelled beyond the country you live in?
Just Canada, so far.Greatest fear?
Not doing anything that matters, beyond being a good person. And that's enough, you know--but I want to effect change; I want to create art, love, beauty.Let's say you've been exiled from the country you live in. Where will you go?
Ireland. Or the Czech Republic.*People, places and things*
Mom and Dad's names?
Donald and Carolyn.Siblings names?
Iain.Are you close to your family?
Yes.What would you name a son?
Sean Presley.Do you live in a city, suburbs or country?
A city, albeit a small one.Your house is burning down, assume your family and pets make it out, what is the one thing you have to grab on the way out?
My hard drive, or my bag with all my crap in it.Do you prefer cool or warm climates?
Cool, always cool.*The dreaded love category*
Do you hate all the love questions in these types of surveys?
No, otherwise I'd just delete 'em.Are you in love with someone at the moment?
Yes, but I'm trying to let it go, as it should be.Ok how about "deep like" someone?
The people I "deep like" are "deeply unavailable," as always.If so could you see a future with this person?
N/A.Women - Have you or would you take your husband's last name?
Yeah, I hyphenated my last name with my ex-husband's--but trying to get people to spell "Scarborough-Geeslin" correctly was a nightmare, so I just went back to my own surname.Do you think you should live together before marriage?
One would be in folly not to. You never, never know someone until you live together.Can you have the "no strings attached" sex?
I used to make a career of it, but these days, I'm looking for something a bit more substantive.Do you prefer older or younger partners?
I've done both, and there's assets and drawbacks to both. Right now, I don't have a preference, as long as the person is mature, solid, compassionate and not dull.Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone?
Not really. I've amended behaviors that I perceived as being bothersome, but never changed my personality. Sorry, I don't live a lie.What do you hope to see your love life as in a couple years?
Wow, bad English. I dunno--if I'm in a relationship, I just hope it's satisfying and happy; if not, I just hope that I'm not painfully lonely.*Randomness makes me smile*
Favorite salad dressing?
I'm really enjoying the Annie's Naturals Cowgirl Ranch I just bought.Do you approve of the leader of your country?
He's an idiot and warmonger manipulated by idiots and warmongers.What's your stripper name?
Lula.You get to change one thing about yourself, what is it?
My ongoing sense of responsibility for everything on the planet. Sometimes, I just want to relax.What band can you say you like every song they make?
NIN.Do you write thank you notes?
I do, but they're usually in the electronic form. We've gotten so lazy, haven't we?What fad pisses you off?
The endless obsession with every little detail of stupid celebrity gossip. Who gives a rat's ass what Paris Hilton does? She's irrelevant! What the hell has she done for the sake of art?!Do you sleep with the lights on or off?
Off.If you like someone more then a friend, have you told them or do they know?
I have in the past; N/A now.How much time are you on the computer?
More than I should be; at least when it comes to bullshit like this.Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.Pick one word to describe yourself:
Aware.Was this survey ok or did you just waste 10 minutes of your life?
Prolly waste. I could have been doing stomach crunches or something.October 16, 2006
Another wonderful Daily Om...October 12, 2006
Living Potential
Sharing Your Gift With OthersThe gifts we are born with and those that we work to develop throughout our lives vary in form and function. Some we find use for every day while others are only useful in specific circumstances. Yet many times we overlook opportunities to share our unique gifts with others. It may be fear of criticism that holds us back or the paralyzing weight of uncertainty. Ultimately, we doubt that our innate talents and practiced skills can truly add value to others' lives. But it is the world as a whole that benefits when we willingly share our gifts. Whether you have been blessed with the ability to awaken beautiful emotions in others through art or industry, or your aptitudes transmit more practical advantages, your gifts are a part of who you are. As you make use of those gifts as best you can, be assured that your contribution to worldly well-being will not be overlooked.
Your personal power is defined in part by your gifts. To use your talents is to demonstrate to the world that you understand yourself and are truly attuned to your capabilities. Your earthly existence provides you with ample opportunity to explore your purpose, to utilize your skills in a life-affirming way, and to positively touch the lives of others while doing so. Yet you may feel that your gifts are not as valuable or worthy of attention as those of others and thus hide them away. However, every gift lying dormant in your soul has the potential to fill a void in someone else's life. Just as your existence is made richer by the love, support, friendship, aid, and compassion of others, so, too, can you add richness to their lives. Your natural ability to soothe hurt, inspire compassion, bake, dance, knit, organize, or think outside the box can be a boon to someone in need.
As you embrace your gifts and allow their light to shine, you will discover that more and more opportunities to make use of them arise. This is because your gifts are a channel through which the universe operates. By simply doing what you are good at and also love to do, you make a positive difference. The recognition you receive for your efforts will pale in comparison to the satisfaction you feel when fulfilling your innate potential.
October 15, 2006
Between the horses of love and lust we are trampled underfoot.So, I was kicking around in Walgreens today, and I smelled Antonio Banderas' new cologne, aptly named Antonio.
Jesus H. Christ, does he smell like that? No wonder Melanie Griffith keeps carving on her face. She is trying to keep up with all the hot-blooded women (and men, probably) he's having to beat off with a stick. Yipes, if a man was beside me and smelled like that, he'd better watch out. And, it's under $20! You can't beat that, gentlemen. Do your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/lonely old lady down the street a favor, and buy some, now. And use it.
*Sigh.*
--------
Some thank yous I left out on my last blog:
A reconnection with my old friend Stephanie/The Baroness. Wow, were we really 13 years old when we met? Doesn't seem like it, given the ever-quickening passage of time. Thanks for hunting me up and dusting off the cobwebs! And for always being able to pick up where I left off with dear friends Chris, Kenn and Donavan (who remains one of the brightest, most talented people I know). Thanks for continuing to remind me that my past/my heritage wasn't always a negative.
Music. Yes, music in general, but specifically, David Bowie and U2, since I've returned to Kentucky. Bowie has always provided the soundtrack of my mind, but his 2002 release Heathen has remained a constant on my iPod, both soothing and ravaging me. And the raw emotion of Bono's voice and lyrics never ceases to get under my skin, even in their later stuff. Sometimes, I think both of them write songs just for me...
Walk On
All That You Can't Leave Behind (2000)
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind...And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strongOh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonightYou're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedomOh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonightAnd I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
You can only take so muchWalk on...
Walk on...Home...
Hard to know what it is, if you never had one
Home...
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home...
That's where the hurt is...And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so muchWalk on...
Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feelAll this you can leave behind
All that you reason, it's only time
Love is a feeling on my mind
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress-up
All that you've seen
All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate...
October 14, 2006
Early AM survey.
Current mood: sleepy1)Using band names, spell out your name:
Atari Teenage Riot (why can't I find their albums anywhere?)
L7
ELO
XTC
A Perfect Circle
Negativland (my bro would be so proud!)
Dead Can Dance
Rammstein
ABC (yes, I grew up in the 80s)2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
Not that I'm aware of, although I'm sure my ex-husband managed to weave some clever/condescending line about me into one of his opuses. Monte Warden dedicated a song to me once, when he opened for Jimmie Dale Gilmore. It made my heart go all aflutter.3) What song makes you cry?
Several. The most recent was Johnny Cash's version of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."4) What song makes you happy?
So many! Early Madonna makes me bouncy, especially "Lucky Star." Also, OMD's "If You Leave," although that one can bleed over into making me cry, too.5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
I prefer "Coast To Coast AM," but it doesn't come on in Ky until 1 am. So, I usually do classical music.a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: Same as Sherilyn Fenn / 1/2 inch shorter than Madonna / 1/2 inch taller than Gillian Anderson.
HAIR COLOR: Colored. Think the original is some sort of dark brown.
SKIN COLOR: Pale, but not as pale as in the past.
EYE COLOR: Grey-blue, and sometimes bloodshot.
PIERCINGS: Only the ears, these days.
TATTOOS: Several; I describe them on my Who is Alexandra? page.r i g h t - n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Light blue w/colored dogs & cats.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: No music right now, but I'm gonna turn on Coast To Coast, now that I'm thinking about it.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Toothpaste.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: Kinda chilly, and no heat is on. There was a frost last night! I see how the cheap bastards who own this apartment are gonna be...
HOW ARE YOU? Eh. Gettin' better, I guess.d o - y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Only when I'm reading in the passenger's seat of a car.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Worrying. Obsessing. Feeling guilty about everything.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Yup.f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: See my MySpace page.
CONDITIONER: Mane & Tail.
MAGAZINE: Writer's Digest. Utne Reader. Natural Health. Animal Wellness.
SODA: Diet Cherry Coke.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Sit here on the floor in my cold-ass apartment, typing, I guess.
RAPPER: I still have a soft spot for vintage Ice-T.h a v e - y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: A number of times.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Nope.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Quite a bit, until my ass was caught.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Nope. You offering?
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: The Baroness of Inglewood & I used to make 'em. They were damn fun.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: Ew, yuck. No.
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: Not without their permission.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Yup.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: No, but I sure have been drowsy.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: Yep, a number of times. Once, I played the devil.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: Of course.l o v e
BOYFRIEND: None.
GIRLFRIEND: None.
CHILDREN: None.
BEEN IN LOVE?: Yup.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: Oh yes.
BEEN HURT?: Yes. But I've hurt others, too. No one's guiltless.YOUR GREATEST REGRET? Not talking to Dave Grohl when I had the chance. I was skeered! I was afraid I'd blurt out that I loved him or something, I guess.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR 3 DAYS: I've gone out with someone I only knew for 3 hours. Does that make me loose?
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Sorta; I'm temping.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Currently don't have a player.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Maroon.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Kitties, nature, art, love, the journey--seeing what's around the next bend.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Myself. I'm responsible for my own happiness; no one else can do it for me.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Johnny Cash's posthumous album.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: If you're taking the time to read this, you're in.w h e n / w h a t - w a s - t h e - l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: Today.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER: Probably from Kenn/Trout, a couple of years ago.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: Today, of course.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: Twin Peaks.
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: The Black Dahlia. Crappy crappy crap crap.
KISS?: A peck or goopy? Too long, for both.
HUG?: Parents.
TIME YOU ATE & WHAT?: Freshly-baked cookies, around 8:30. Damn, they were warm and goooood.October 12, 2006
Thank you.Alright. At the risk of sounding like Alanis Morrisette, I must thank the following people/things for getting me through the past few weeks:
1.) To all my sister goddesses -- Darci, Devon, Paulette, Lorene and Jaymie - who were kind and thoughtful enough to send encouragement and warm thoughts to little 'ole me. I always thought I was the kind of girl who got along better with guys -- the last few years have shown me that women -- wonderful, sophisticated, centered women -- can be an amazing comfort to me. I love you all!
2.) My parents -- I know I was short/impatient/irritable at times, but it's only because the transition has been a tough one, as it always is, when I return. It seems you always get me on the downside of my existence, when a huge change is not only underway, but long overdue. It's always hard to come home, but you guys make it welcoming, loving and warm. I love you too!
3.) Redhook Blonde Ale / Shiner Bock Ale. Thank you for keeping me mellowed out and able to see both sides, when I needed it.
4.) Liddell's Homeopathic Letting Go/Feeling Overwhelmed formula. I don't think I could have made it through those last days of weaning myself off of Cymbalta, had my good friend Trout not pointed you out to me in Wild Oats Market.
5.) Tempur-Pedic. Yeah, yeah -- I know I've bitched about you -- but I did make a pleasant aquaintance, Crystal, under your eaves -- and she is a goddess for getting me an over $1000 discount on a bed.
6.) My bed! Oh my dear Tempur-Pedic succor, my cradle, my savior. I have only had you for 4 days, but already I want to spend my life in you. My back and my soul have been screaming out for you for years. Carry me to my dreams for decades!
7.) Twin Peaks. I've started watching you again, on DVD, for the millionth time, and I never tire of you. You are perfect. Thank you for keeping me company -- for stirring my emotions, my creativity, and my love of a good, funny, complex, mysterious yarn.
8.) Homer Tracy, choreographer and director at Eastern Kentucky University. Thank you for casting me in another show (A Little Night Music), and for being so flattering in regard to my talent. You are one of the few who keeps me believing in myself. When I sing, I'll be singing for you!
9.) My kitties...my precious furry flowers. Thank you for being such good bugs as we barreled across the US in a cramped SUV; and for loving me unconditionally.
Oh, there's more...but I gush, and my hands cramp, as I'm typing on my stomach and legs, on the floor. I still have a lot to do here in the apartment.
Thanks for indulging me!
September 21, 2006
From MySpace:
What's the 411 on Alexandra?Hey all -- thanks to those of you who sent birthday wishes! It was much appreciated...I had a good day--first by myself, running errands and such, then had dinner with a long-time friend--then back with myself again, singing karaoke into the wee hours of the morning. I got in like, 800 songs or something, and was quite a hit at Winchell's Restaurant. :)
Anyway, some people have been inquiring into how long it will be before I set sail for Hawaii. The truth is, I'm not. At least not in the immediate future. And here's why:
NCL (Norwegian) was becoming a pain in my ass. Every time I'd jump through one hoop, they'd put me through another. The latest was that I needed to get doctor's releases for past surgeries, old pap smears and a drug study for Cymbalta that I recently finished. I don't know how you feel about it, but quite frankly, I don't see how the state of my vagina has anything to do with whether or not I can serve a fucking drink on a cruise ship. And, communication with the organization was less than stellar. When I would finally get someone to return my calls, they would quickly quash my enthusiam for the journey with statements such as, "well, you know it's really stressful," or "well, you realize this isn't a vacation." Duh. Yes, I realize I'm not going to be sitting on the beaches of Waikiki with a drink in my hand; I realize it's a 12 hour workday, 7 days a week (true) with very little downtime--but you could at least act excited for me, and then secretly think, "poor bastard; she doesn't know what she's in for."
Anyway, those who are close enough to me to know the kind of existential upheaval I've been going through in the past months, knows that I actually need a break, not more stress. I'm up to three grey hairs now, and for little 'ole vain me, that's a red flag.
Returning to Kentucky was hard for me, because, as much as I always enjoy coming home--and genuinely like Lexington--any time you've lived in major urban places (as soul-draining as they can be) everything else seems a little, well, quaint. But since returning this time, I actually found myself driving around in my parents' car, looking at "for rent" signs and thinking "maybe...". I was kicking about in an old neighborhood that I used to live in 16 years ago--very well-kept, very quiet, fairly upscale--when I saw a property that caught my eye. Ironically, it's directly across the street from where I used to live. Long story short, I put down a deposit yesterday, and will be moving in on October 1st. I took a lease for 6 months, with the option to stay for a year. Since I don't have a car anymore, I moved somewhere close to the busline, with everything I need (grocery, post office, pharmacy, neighborhood bar & bistro) all within walking distance. There's a middle school within a block which features a lovely track for me to exercise on. The area's wooded, clean, oh--and did I mention quiet? God, I need that right now. And just to make my L.A. friends jealous, it's a spacious one bedroom, $550, all utilities paid (sorry, couldn't resist boasting). Now, I just have to find a job. I'm working on it...
Anyway, I know some folks will think I wussed out by not going to Hawaii. But I don't see it that way at all. Other than making quite a bit of money, what would I accomplish? It all sounds fun in theory, and maybe I will still do it at some point--but I need me time. I'm never gonna get it on that ship, between drunken guests, 2 roommates, and no where to go when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Here? I'm all by myself (well, okay, my kitties are with me, but they're my furry saviors), with the power to call all my own shots. No relationship to worry about, no major stresses, just my own time, my own journey--albeit, on land instead of water.
I fully intend to remain creative--don't worry, kids--I'm not leaving any of that behind. In fact, I'll probably have more opportunities here than I did in L.A., just because the sheer number of people being creative in Lexington (or trying to be) is reduced. I've got about 5 writing projects beating on the sides of my head, waiting to get out. I'm auditioning for Studio Players' production of Steel Magnolias on Monday, and I've decided to try some music aspirations while I'm here, since that does seem to be one creative venue that's still fairly rich here. So don't write me off, yet.
And I'm still planning on moving back to Seattle, unless some amazing opportunity to travel in the U.K. or Europe presents itself. But...I 'm going to hang my hat here for a little while, and get back that moxie and that fire that the girl who lived across the street back in 1990 was full of.
And, I'm inviting all of you to come to town for a visit; I've got plenty of room (hell, I don't even have furniture!). Lexington is, if nothing else, a lovely and hospitable town.
Here's my mailing address--but don't send any correspondence until after the 1st of October:
311 Duke Rd. #8, Lexington, KY 40502
My phone, for those who have it, remains the same. I'm keeping the 310 area code, until my contract expires.
And of course, I'll be on here nearly every damn day. :)
xoxo,
A.
September 15, 2006
The Doors of PerceptionWalking Through When Doors Open
When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what's there as that's the only way to know. Even if it doesn't seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.
Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold.
There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.
September 10, 2006
Yesterday's......horoscope...courtesy of Astrodienst. Very good, considering I met someone at the Bluegrass Independent Film Festival who has sold several movies to Showtime & won honors at Sundance, and claims he wants to help me. Too early to throw out names...but hopefully the below is a great portent for Nothing But Time...
Buoyant optimism
This time is especially favorable for all business and commercial ventures and is excellent for negotiating personally advantageous deals. Your objectives and goals in the matter will be much clearer to you than usual, which enables you to deal very intelligently with others and thus get the best possible deal for yourself. Also everything you do has a kind of buoyant optimism that is also favorable to success. This is an extremely favorable time for dealing with authorities, for they will be open to your ideas and easily persuaded to your point of view. Legal interests are also favored now. Your activities under this influence should bring opportunities for personal growth by expanding your range of activities as well as your experience.
September 6, 2006
A good reminder. I've done it; it's been done to me.To Be Human
Putting People On PedestalsWhen we fall in love with someone or make a new friend, we sometimes see that person in a glowing light. Their good qualities dominate the foreground of our perception and their negative qualities. They just don't seem to have any. This temporary state of grace is commonly known as putting someone on a pedestal. Often times we put spiritual leaders and our gurus on pedestals. We have all done this to someone at one time or another, and as long as we remember that no one is actually "perfect," the pedestal phase of a relationship can be enjoyed for what it is-a phase. It's when we actually believe our own projection that troubles arise.
Everyone has problems, flaws, and blind spots, just as we do. When we entertain the illusion that someone is perfect, we don't allow them room to be human, so when they make an error in judgment or act in contradiction to our idea of perfection, we become disillusioned. We may get angry or distance ourselves in response. In the end, they are not to blame for the fact that we idealized them. Granted, they may have enjoyed seeing themselves as perfect through our eyes, but we are the ones who chose to believe an illusion. If you go through this process enough times, you learn that no one is perfect. We are all a combination of divine and human qualities and we all struggle. When we treat the people we love with this awareness, we actually allow for a much greater intimacy than when we held them aloft on an airy throne. The moment you see through your idealized projection is the moment you begin to see your loved one as he or she truly is.
We cannot truly connect with a person when we idealize them. In life, there are no pedestals-we are all walking on the same ground together. When we realize this, we can own our own divinity and our humanity. This is the key to balance and wholeness within ourselves and our relationships.
September 5, 2006
For another, or the eternal self?A Thousand Years -- Sting
A thousand years, a thousand more,
A thousand times a million doors to eternity
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times
An endless turning stairway climbs
To a tower of souls
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to faceA million roads, a million fears
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time
But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace
Then following this single point, this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your faceI still love you
I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my headI may be numberless, I may be innocent
I may know many things, I may be ignorant
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief
I still love you
I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves
Eternities still unsaid
'Til you love meSeptember 3, 2006
Trying to make myself feel better...so I'll do a survey.
Current mood: blahLast Person...
1. You hung out with?
My mom, while we fast-forwarded through dozens of TiVo-ed episodes of Days of Our Lives for the bits with Stephen Nichols.2. Rode in a car with?
The 'rents, on the way back from dropping off my car rental.3. Went to the movies with?:
The folks from my old job at Rainmakers. Unfortunately, it was the hideously offensive, horrible Little Man. I never would have seen it, if I didn't have to for my job.4. You went to the mall with?
By myself.6. You talked on the phone to?:
I've avoided the phone for a few days, so I don't remember.7. Made you laugh?
Ilea, my kitty.W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?:
Nose; been there, done that (twice).2. Be serious or be funny?
Depends on my mood. I can do both.3. Drink whole or skim milk?:
Hate milk.4. Die in a fire or drown?:
Drown. That's probably how I'd take myself out, honestly. Just walk out into the ocean, like the heroine in The Awakening.5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:
Spending time with my parents isn't so bad; in fact, I'm doing it right now. I've reached an age where we all get along, now.A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y.
1. Do you like anyone?
I like lots of people. And I dislike a few people.
D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.
1. Sun or moon?:
Moon, always.2. Winter or Fall?
Fall, which doesn't exist in Los Angeles (well, neither does winter, for that matter).3. left or right?
Always left-wing.4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?:
Two best friends, hands down.5. Sunny or rainy?:
I've missed the rain immensely since living in L.A., so rainy.6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?:
Chocolate everything.A B O U T . Y O U.
1. What time is it?:
6:40 pm, EST.2. First Name?:
Heather3. What do you want to do?:
Get back a sense of purpose and satisfaction with my life.4. Where do you wanna live?
Everywhere, all at once. But right now, I'm looking to move back to Seattle.5. How many kids do you want?:
None.6. You want to get married?
Been there, done that. Pass!8. Are you double jointed?
No such thing.10. Can you cross your eyes?
Yep.11. Do you make your bed daily?
I pull up the covers, so it's sort of made. I make it up if I have company over.R A N D O M.
1. Which shoe goes on first?:
I suppose the right. Sometimes it's whichever one I cram my foot into first, because I'm too lazy to untie them.2. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Cut.3. Have you ever eaten Spam?:
Yuck. Yes, unfortunately, I have.3. Favorite ice cream?:
Didn't we already have a related question? Ben & Jerry's anything.4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
Zero, at the moment.5. Do you cook?:
When I am in the mood.6. Current mood?
Feeling hung-over from the long journey I just had.IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.
1. Bought something:
Yes, some stuff at Good Foods Co-Op, and dinner for my parents.2. Sang?
No, strangely enough. I'm usually always singing.3. Been hugged:
Yes.4. Felt stupid:
No, just sad.5. Missed someone:
Incredibly.6. Danced Crazy:
No--wish I could say I did.7. Gotten your hair cut?
No.8. Cried:
Yes, this morning.9. Lied:
No.10. been kissed:
No.. S T U F F .
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Does this include men dressed like cops who are earning money for it? :)No 2?
3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Never sledded.4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Umm. I don't want to answer that right now.5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes; I've been visited.6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes.August 28, 2006
Que sera/good-bye.
Current mood: exhaustedI won't be available for a few days, folks. I'm still in the middle of trying to cram everything into my 5x5 storage space, and tomorrow I'll be taking off for Kentucky, with 3 kitties in tow. I'll see you on the flip side.
xoxo,
A.
August 25, 2006
Today's apt horoscope.
Current mood: hopefulVirgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You should be making the most of your time today, even if there are emotional overtones affecting you in surprising ways. But as you field a few unexpected wake-up calls, take notice that there will be no going back to sleep -- even if you are tired. The good news is that you've paid your dues and now it's time to take small, careful steps toward your well considered future.
August 20, 2006
Sunday morning coming down.1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
Dr. Gonzo. I had so much fun with that last year, and not enough people saw it. I'd need a Hunter S. Thompson to go with, though.
2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
Veggie only, and it varies between nothing to stuff like avocado. I'm happy with anything! Charcoal grills make stuff taste the best, but they're dirty.
3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
How can you sleep at night with the blood of so many people on your hands?
4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Sleepy-times!
5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
Most of the time, I buy nothing. But I do love a good buttered pop corn & Diet Soda.
6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
I fucking hate pop-ups.
7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
Hubert.
8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
Paper -- I love wrapping things up!
9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?
Um, 6 years? But we didn't date that whole time. We were just friends for many years. Then we were engaged for a year before marriage.
10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Ugh, too loud. Every gathering place in L.A. seems that way to me.
11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
Kindness.
12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Those big unchewable nuggets of bubble gum.
13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
In L.A. -- the Hollywood sign; in Seattle -- the Space Needle; in Lexington -- Triangle Park.
14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Celeb gossip about Paris Hilton.
15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
Only one, baby!
16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
Ugh, does it have to be vanilla? Then I would have to say chocolate syrup.
17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
Chips. I freakin' love 'em all!
18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
At this point, I'd shoot for the $500. "I'm a gamblin' man by nature."
19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
Cable TV. I've gone for long stretches without it, and don't miss it at all.
20. What is your highest level of education?
AA -- slowly working on the BA.
21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been?
Fucking $3000.
22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
I always did the paper sack thing -- but Mom always set me up with an awesome spread!
23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
Oh, a chauffeur, hands down. 6 years of driving in L.A. will make one choose that one without hesitation.
24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
If Ewan McGregor's in the elevator, I'm all over it.
25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word?
Poopsticks!
August 19, 2006
Twos.Two Names You Go By:
1.) Alexandra
2.) Heather (my first name.)Two Parts of Your Heritage:
1.) Celtic mutt
2.) Native AmericanTwo Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1.) Black capris
2.) Lab coat (I'm at work.)Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1.) Mutual life experience
2.) Humor and a sense of playTwo Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment
1.) To have more energy (I agree, Darci!)
2.) To be at peace with myselfTwo pets you had/have:
1.) Chaplin
2.) Heechee Straybug!Two things you did last night:
1.) Went out with my buddy, Bill
2.) Sent drunken emails to friendsTwo things you ate today:
1.) Vitamin supplements
2.) A day-old bear claw (yuck).Two people you last talked to:
1.) Lucas
2.) BillTwo Things You Will Do Tonight:
1.) Go to karaoke at Mar Vista Lanes
2.) SleepTwo Favorite Holidays:
1.) Halloween
2.) Halloween!Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1.) Creativity and connection
2.) Animal-buddiesTwo Favorite Numbers
1.) "I am not a number, I am a free man!"
2.) 6Two Of Your Favorite Movies
1.) Blue Velvet
2.) Velvet Goldmine (I love things involving velvet, apparently.)Two (Recent) Favorite Songs
1.) I must admit I like that Gnarls Barkley song that's so popular.
2.) Can't think of another recent one thats hooked me.Two Sports
1.) Kitty Olympics
2.) Fly sexTwo Drinks
1.) Water water water
2.) Earl Grey tea (especially iced)Two TV Shows
1.) Twin Peaks (can't help it; still my fave)
2.) Forensic Files-------
Silent all these years.
Current mood: exanimateWow. I just wrote the longest, most introspective blog I think I ever have, and just lost every bit of it though some bullshit error.
What does that mean? Is everything I just said absolute crap? Or was it designed only for me? Guess I have to accept either possibility.
Winter -- Tori Amos
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dearBoys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thinWhen you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dearHair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myselfHe says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dearAugust 9, 2006
Here we are...and there we are.
Current mood: frustratedI don't even want it, but people keep giving me their business cards. Rarely happened when I was a "resident." But now I decide to go, and everyone seems to want a piece of me; to share in my energy. Why does that always happen to me when I'm ready to split from somewhere? I guess it's the aura of having nothing to lose; your inhibitions are down, and you sparkle, somehow. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses (despite the fact that that was my birth name--and believe me, we were nothing to keep up with). It's frustrating, though. Opportunities seem to present themselves when you're ready to break away. What is that supposed to teach you?
All of this transition in my life feels weird, alien, somehow. I keep saying, "I'm throwing the chips up in the air, and I'll see where they fall." For once in my life, I don't want to calculate, to forecast where I should be in so many months, so many years. Yet, the gypsy spirit can't align with the clinical mind and the aspiring heart.
All my cats stare at me while I type this.
Is it destiny to live out my creativity in a vacuum? Any sharing of my aspirations seems to be lost on minds lubricated by alcohol or drugs and/or a hope of momentary phallic release. I'm more than that. I don't need it; I don't want it. I don't need to prove my relevance to anyone, including myself. I want to transcend beyond the mere connection of physicality & ego; it's what I've always wanted, even when I so desperately clung to those less than me in the hope that I would emerge transformed. But all I was left with was wasted time and a feeling of emptiness. And I won't lower my energy to that, anymore.
I must journey alone.
August 6, 2006
Goin' down the only road I've ever known...
Current mood: blah1. What do you order at McDonald's?
A Big Mac without meat, fries and a Diet Coke.2. What color is your TV?
Black.3. What was your first cd?
It was either "Dark Side of the Moon" or Public Enemy's "Apocalyspe 91-The Enemy Strikes Black."4. How old were you when you discovered porn?
I was aware of it for a long time before I first watched it at 16. This was way before the days of being inundated with it everywhere.5. How many times have you had your heart broken?
Numerous, in different ways.6. How many times have you broken a heart?
I dunno. A few.7. What was your first car?
A bright red 1985 Toyota MR-2.8. Did you wreck it?
No, but someone ran into my front right side & crunched it a little.9. Have you ever been fired from a job?
Never.10. What color is your bath mat?
No bath mat, but I use a black towel.11. What cd is in the player in your car?
Madonna's "Ray of Light."12. Do you let people borrow your cds?
Rarely ever.13. Were you in the band in high school?
Yes, for a while. I played flute.14. Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Coke15. What is your astrological sign?
Virgo16. Do you know what the sign means?
Analytical, hyper-clean and exacting.17. Do you have anyone else's name tattooed on you?
I would never do that.18. Do you own a cowboy/girl hat?
I did, but it was a little too tall for my taste, so I gave it to Goodwill.19. Do you sing in the car?
Occasionally.20.Do you paint your toenails?
Yes, most of the time.21. If you had to go on a road trip right now, who would you take with you?
I will be, very soon, and all my kitties are going with me.22. Do you shave in or out of the shower?
In. A little wasteful of water, I know, but it's one of my few indulgences.23. Can you wiggle your ears?
Yes.24. Do you know what a dirty sanchez is?
No, and I'm sure I wouldn't want to.25. Has it ever happened to you?
I doubt it.26. One Tree Hill or The O.C.?:
Suicide.27. Can you name three of the Beatles?
Better than that, I can name all four -- John, George, Paul & Ringo.28. What brand of toothpaste do you use?
Tom's of Maine.29. Do you obsess over your clothes?
Occasionally.30. What color are your sheets?
At the moment, purple.31. Who would you call if you needed to be bailed out of jail?
The parents, although I'm not sure they'd be too thrilled.32. Do you know anyone that lives in Idaho?
I did, but they all moved to other places.33. How many of the 50 states have you visited?
Around 20.34. Who was Jerry Garcia?
Late guitarist/singer for The Greatful Dead, my least favorite band.35. Where can you find Phish Food?
In the ice cream section of a supermarket. BTW, Phish is my 2nd least favorite band.37. Are you named after anyone?
My brother had a friend named Heather, and Mom liked that name. When I changed my middle name to Alexandra, I picked it because I like it, and it had no associations for me.38. How many candles do you have in your room?
Eight.39. Fire or Ice?
Ice.41. Do you use the bathroom with the door open if you are home alone?
Of course. My kitties know what I look like with my clothes off.42. Who was the last person that called you?
Darci.43. Who do you wish would call you?
George Clooney.44. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher's name?
I had three -- Mrs. Renner, Mrs. Allen, and Mrs. Parrett.45. Would you paint the walls of your room black?
Maybe one room, if I had a house.46. Do you wear your sunglasses at night?
Ah, no.47. Who sings "I'm Too Sexy?"
Right Said Fred.48. Did you have a VHS or a BETA MAX?
I still have a VHS machine.49. When you walk by a mirror do you stop and look?
Not usually.50. Lowe's or Home Depot?
Eh.51. What time do you get off work?
Depends on the job.52. Have you ever done LSD?
Yes, a few times, but not for many years.53. Have you forgotten to call anyone back today?
No.54. Favorite band?
There are many. Look at my main page.August 5, 2006
More.I find all of the posturing unbearable. Genuine is all I've ever looked for. Everything's too clever, too snarky, too full of itself and too self-conscious to really be relevant. Just look at all the pose-y photographs on Myspace. No one says anything original anymore, including myself. How many before me have expressed these very same sentiments? Is it the age I've reached? Is it the lament of the artist? Is it disillusionment? Is it inevitable?
I have no peer group. I used to pride myself on my ability to understand and relate to everyone, of any age. Now, I feel removed from all--older, same and younger.
I don't need anyone, yet I do. I sit here alone--which I prefer--yet I reach out through my words. Where is my place? What is my real name? Where do I come from? How is it that I can feel so connected, but so alone at the same time?
Peter Gabriel -- I Grieve -- Up, 2002
it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no one homei grieve for you you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and onthe news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle thisi grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and onlife carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and onit's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and ondid I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieveAugust 3, 2006
My life has become a survey...1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?
Different paths.2. When was the last time you shaved?
This morning, in the shower.3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Trying to wake up.4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Showing my apartment to a UCLA student.5. Are you any good at math?
No, but I'd like to try again.7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Famous for their loser-ness.8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yup.9. Do you know the words to the song on your Myspace profile?
Absolutely.10. Last thing received in the mail?
A Hewlett Packard catalog.11. How many different beverages have you drank
today?
Water, Diet Coke, iced tea, beer.12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Of course.13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Tina Turner. I even remember what I wore.14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, but I do dig my toes into the sand.15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Oh, wisdom teeth. So gross.16. What is out your back door?
Heh.17. Any plans for Friday night?
I guess sitting here, typing.18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
I haven't actually put my hair in the ocean. I should relax and try that.19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
Thank God, no.20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes, they're the best.21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Yes, I use them 2-3 times. It's wasteful not to.22. Some thing you are excited about?
My upcoming adventure with Norwegian Cruise Lines.23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Yuck. Horse hooves.24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Uh, no -- but I do carry my great-grandmother's maiden name.25. Describe your keychain:
Uninspired.26. Where do you keep your change?
In a piggy bank.27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Probably when I directed a some shows for my defunct theatrical company D.A.M.N.-L.A.28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
Several black ones.29. What was the weather like at your graduation day?
I have no idea.30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Well, I live in a studio, so I guess it would have to be closed.-------
Man, I can steal these faster than anyone...
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Hmm. Ann Coulter. No, Rush Limbaugh. No, Dick Cheney. No...dammit! Too many assholes, too many choices!
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
The Grateful Dead. No, Phish. No...dammit! Too many mind-numbingly noodly, overrated bands!
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Heh. See #1.4. What is the best kind of cheese?
I agree with Darci -- Provolone. Although there are many wonderful kinds of cheese.5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Which one do you eat?
Victor Junior's Egg Salad Sandwich with the "works." It's a thing of fucking beauty.6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once (they will never call you back). Who is it?
I wanna say Ewan McGregor because I adore him, but I'd also like to get to know him, because he's such a cool guy (this goes for almost all the actors I find sexy, but would love to know). So, sex only, and he'll never call again, huh? Tom Welling.7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it?
Same situation as above ('cause it would be Bowie or Madonna, otherwise), so Elvis (if he were living); otherwise Tom Jones. Yes, Tom Jones. Now, or then.8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
A sweet outfit, because it's been so long since I've bought a complete, lovely ensemble for myself.9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Ireland.10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that?
A little at a pub, some on a hotel room, and a delicious meal.11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice.
Shiner Bock beer!12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. Where would it be?
The 20s-30s, so I could hang out with Charlie Chaplin & Jean Cocteau during their ascent into relevance. Maybe I could be a part of their projects!13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No fatties. Just kidding! A community where everyone contributes something to the welfare of the larger community, and kitties run free and loved!!!!14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
A paranormal-themed show where I'm the host, and I travel all over the world giving history, analysis, interviews & field reports.15. What is your favorite expletive?
Fuck!!!16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Invite them in for a Shiner Bock!17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the one thing you're going to save from that blazing inferno?
Yeah, obvious, but photo albums pre-dating the digital age.18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before it bites you. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Huh. Have you been looking at my pics? I think I'd go rollerskating, then have a beer while walking around in the surf, as the sun goes down.19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
Communication with animals.20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
My wedding reception. Read a previous blog for details.21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Um, it's so horrible, I can't really talk about it here, but it still freaks me out. That one, yeah.22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Where would you go?
Probably Ireland or Scotland. My homeland calls to me.23. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
I don't know. I really don't care about being a scenester. I'd rather drink with a couple of friends at home.24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!!
float in the air? or on water?
Air, definitely. Gives you a great vantage point. Plus, the feeling must be amazing!25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life?
Jean Cocteau!-------
"You scream 'You better!'"
Current mood: lethargic1.) What curse word do you use the most?
Fuck.2.) Do you own an XBOX?
No, but I inherited a Playstation.3.) Who is on your Myspace "Top 8"
People I like more than I like everyone else.4.) What time is your alarm clock set for?
7:30, but I got up at 8.5.) What color is your room?
Beige & white.6.) Flip flops or sneakers?
Depends on the style.7.) Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I love to take pictures, but occasionally, I enjoy being the subject. Depends on my mood.8.) What was the last movie you watched?
The remake of "'Salem's Lot" on TNT. It was alright, I guess.9.) Do any of your friends have children?
A few.10.) Has anyone ever called you lazy?
My mom used to when I slept in on Saturdays. It was a day off from school -- geez! What was her problem?11.) Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
No, although I've considered Melatonin, since I have such bad insomnia.12.) What CD is currently in your CD player?
Madonna's "Ray of Light."13.) Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Chocolate soy milk is okay.15.) Have you ever given someone a tattoo?
I'm w/Darci -- "do hickies count?"16.) Who was the last person you called/texted?
My bank, to see if I'm overdrawn. Yay.17.) Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Oh, they always have; always will.18.) Did you watch cartoons as a child?
I loved Looney Tunes from the 60s era that used to air every Saturday morning. They were my favorites. There were a few others I enjoyed, too.19.) How many siblings do you have?
One, an older brother.20. Are you shy around the opposite sex?
No, not generally. I did freak out and not talk to Dave Grohl once when I had the opportunity, and I've kicked myself in the ass, ever since.21.) What movie do you know every line to?
None. There's plenty I can do selected quotes from, though.22.) Do you own any band t-shirts?
I used to be queen of black band t-shirts, but not anymore. I have one or two I wear occasionally.23.) What is your favorite salad dressing?
Sometimes Blue Cheese, sometimes Caesar.24.) Do you read for fun?
Jesus, I spend my whole life reading. I would die without it.25.) Do you cry a lot?
Yes. I'm an incredibly sentimental, affected, melancholic person. Seeing the way the sun falls across a tree can make me cry.27.) Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Desktop, presently.28.) Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
One more tattoo to go, then I'm done.29.) What is the weather like?
Fortunately, it is very cool and pleasant right now.30.) Would you ever date someone with tattoos?
I have them, so I think it would be a little silly to exclude tattooed boys. I often find them attractive, as long as the guy is clean and decent-looking, along with it.31.) Is sex before marriage wrong?
No sex before marriage is foolhardy, and unrealistic.32.) When was the last time you slept on the floor?
I don't rightly recall.33.) How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I prefer a full eight, but I rarely get it.35.) Are your days full and fast-paced?
Yes, punctuated with long stretches of tedium at work.36.) Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
Often.38.) Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
I am the spelling and grammar queen. Get too close to me, and I'll hit you with my dictionary (or AP Style Guide).39.) Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?
Six Flags. I've never heard of Cedar Point.40.) Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I used to get along better with men, but now I seem to get on fine with both sexes.41.) Do you like cottage cheese?
Bleah.42.) Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
All three. The position depends on how much my back is hurting.43.) Have you ever bid on something from ebay?
Yes, but not in a while.44.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Hugs are wonderful.45) What was the last song you sang out loud?
"You Better, You Bet" by The Who (I don't know why that song was in my head; I'm not really a fan of the band).46) What is your favorite TV show[s]?
I don't watch anything with any regularity anymore, but all my faves are listed on my main page.47) Which celebrity dead or alive would you want to have lunch with?
I only get one? Ok -- Charlie Chaplin.48) Who are you talking to right now?
My kitties.49) Pirates or ninjas?
Who gives a rat's ass?50) What's one thing you wish you had?
Money to fund all the artistic projects I long to do.July 30, 2006
Sigh...bored.1. WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? Not much. Maybe my kitties?
2. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? Being stared at by the cats to get up and feed them. They have penetrating glares, let me tell you.
3. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? Trying to get my printer to work, yet again.
4. SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1985? I started my Freshman year of High School.
5. LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? "What's on your tail, Mr. Jones? Cinnamon? Cinnamon bug!"
6. HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? Water, Diet Coke, beer.
7. WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND(s) RIGHT NOW? Dunno.
8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? Black.
9. WHAT IS OUT YOUR BACK DOOR? Don't have a back door, well, of the literal kind, anyway... :)
10. LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Cat food & a soda. No, I didn't have them together.
11. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? A check from my parents, three months early.
12. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? Green.
13. WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? In a real piggy bank.
14. WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? Warm, but it was cool at Venice Beach, where I was earlier.
15. BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? I don't eat it much, but I like the peanut butter/chocolate kind.
17. LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? Hmm. I'm sure I've seen one since then, but the last one I remember is the one I took a picture of in Seattle (it's on my pics page).
18. WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? 7.
19.DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? Nope.
20. ARE YOU VERY RANDOM? Depends, but usually no.
21. DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? Yes, sometimes I do; especially in this heat.
22. ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 22? Yes, well over. A lot of people on MySpace lie about their age, & I think that's silly.
23. DO YOU TALK A LOT? Yes, although I've been pretty quiet, lately.
24. DO YOU WATCH THE OC? Good God, no.
25. WHAT DAY DOES YOUR SCHOOL END THIS YEAR? I think August 12th.
26. DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN '' X '' IN IT? Yes.
27. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? Quite a few, in my lifetime.
28. DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? No, I usually find the one I need in our current language, thanks.
29. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Fairly, though I get over it quickly, if you keep tickling the same place.
30. STARBUCKS, COSI, OR COFFEE BEAN? What's COSI? I guess I prefer Coffee Bean, but only because I like their teas better.
Geez, what a pedestrian survey.
July 26, 2006
I stole first!
Current mood: discontentFIRST BEST FRIEND: Anissa Wilson. We remained friendly all twelve years of school.
FIRST SCHOOL: Livingston Graded (yes, graded) School, Livingston, KY. All boarded up and sad-looking, now.
FIRST CELL PHONE: Dunno. 1999?
FIRST FUNERAL: Hmm. Perhaps someone from my church? I don't remember.
FIRST PET: My cat Donna.
FIRST BIG TRIP: 1991, trip across the U.S. with my parents.
FIRST REAL KISS: At a seventh-grade dance, with a guy I later found out was a distant cousin. HEY, I didn't know at the time!
FIRST FIGHT: Only fight -- my senior year -- with some big man-girl named Sheila. She didn't like the way I looked or something.
FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: That would either be John Travolta or Neil Diamond. I was convinced, at age 4, that I would marry one or both of them. Now? No thank you, sir.
FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: 1997, to perform improv at Vancouver TheatreSports.
FIRST JOB: Pizza Hut waitress.
FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: J. Paul, after the obligatory Tom hook-up.
FIRST LOVE: Gene LaFoe, in first grade. We held hands, aww.
LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: Kerry, at work. I sure needed it. Thanks, K!
LAST CAR RIDE: Oh, home from work.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Sunday.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Sixteen Candles, for the 100th time.
LAST FOOD YOU ATE: BK Veggie Burger.
LAST ITEM BOUGHT: Insulin needles for my cat.
LAST SHIRT WORN: None. I consistently go topless. Just checking to see you're still reading.
LAST PHONE CALL: To Darci, to see if we had plans.
LAST TEXT MESSAGE: Gosh, don't remember. I gotta pay for them, so I don't do it often.
LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: My kitty Ilea, to kiss her head.
LAST KISS: Ilea.
LAST FUNERAL: My uncle Garrett, about 10 years ago. He died a very sad, lonely death brought on by years of alcohol abuse. My mother wrote a moving eulogy for him.
LAST TIME AT THE MALL: Forever ago.
LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCited FOR SOMETHING: Whew, not too much, lately.
LAST PERSON YOU SAW: Some Asian girls putting a rent check in the box beside my door.
LAST THING YOU DRANK: Water, and lots of it.
LAST PERSON THAT BROKE YOUR HEART: Everyone seems to break my heart, eventually. Boo-hoo me. I'm sure they'd beg to differ. Anyway, I always mend it back. It's full of staples, now.
LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY: Um...gotta get back to you on that one.
LAST LOVE: J. Paul.
July 25, 2006
Relevant.
Current mood: melancholyAzure Ray -- New Resolution
Follow blind
Heavy eyes hold position
You were right on time
It was a lucky prediction
Move on move on
It's like the clock is pacing
The break of dawn and our hearts are racing
Move on move on
No there's nothing changing
Don't undermine
My new resolution
Just to find
A different light a new direction
Move on move on
Now the records skipping
I won't forget i won't forget the way you said
Move on move on
There's no point in waiting
July 24, 2006
My dreams.
Current mood: anxiousMy dreams of late have been disturbing and/or violent. Whenever I am especially stressed out, they seem to gravitate there.
Last night, before bed, I was listening to Coast to Coast AM, and Art Bell was relating a news article that said dolphins have sentience; they are conscious enough of themselves as entities to actually have names. They each develop a whistle that they call out to identify themselves, or to call another dolphin's name. Just amazing stuff. So, I dreamed I was taking an Oceanography class, and showed up early to commune with the dolphins in the big tank that filled up one side of the room. Two dolphins could be accessed by this little door that was underneath the tank; they were in a cubby that had this light spray of water to keep them hydrated, I guess. Anyway, I took one out and held it (in my dream mind, they could survive for a short while outside of water), and we really bonded. I carried it around and it playfully took my head in its mouth, snuggled with me, etc. Then it started heating up. I could feel its skin getting hot and it was getting so lethargic. I panicked, and went to put it back in its antechamber, but for some reason it had changed and was more like a drawer, which provided no access to the tank. I ran to ask some guys who were faculty? students? if there were alternate access, and they were apathetic, even slightly mocking. They said it was through the antechamber underneath. I ran back and put the fading animal in the cabinet, and even though it was closed off, I saw him somehow get back into the tank. He perked up, even changed colors and suddenly had spots (?), and then a whole family of dolphins with spots came out to greet him, and I could hear them calling out his name and circling around him. I was feeling so much better; promising myself not to be so foolhardy next time, when some sort of fish/bird swooped down and ate him. I was horrified. Then I heard someone say as if I were watching a movie and it was a voiceover: "Frivolous, but natural." The dream morphed into an animated demonstration of little animals getting eaten by bigger animals, and on and on.
It was horrible.
July 21, 2006
Wow, I should really be sleeping...
Current mood: contemplativeSo, have any of you kids ever worked on a cruise ship? I would love to hear the details of your experience. I have an interview with Norwegian Cruise Lines on July 26th. I realize it would be incredibly hard work, but the perks might be nice. Plus, being isolated for a while might be just what I need. And despite the fact that I still don't know how to swim, I adore the water. Besides, if I go overboard, swimming skills ain't gonna help me anyway...
Don't you hate those weird little sore places that get on your tongue after you eat too many Lay's Wavy potato chips? Maybe I'm the only one that gets them, but they suck.
I watched part of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me on J. Paul's brand-new, screamin' huge TV tonight, and it made me sad that everyone in it looks so much older now (well, except for Bowie, who seems to look younger the older he gets. I want that deal with the Devil.). Geez, it was only 1992 -- but I guess to most people on Myspace, that seems like a century ago. To me, it was like yesterday, but not because I'm one of those "those were the days" kind of people. I guess I do get a little nostalgic sometimes, but only because everything had such promise then; even in the downtimes I was fantasizing about all that was just around the bend for me. I told myself "I'll be working with all of those people someday," and although I've met a couple of them, and am six degrees (or less) of separation from many of the others, I can't say that that dream has been realized. And it makes me sad, because I've always said that if I could work with David Lynch just once, I could go cut hair in Nebraska for the rest of my life and be happy. I have always felt so connected to his art -- not in a sycophantic, derivative way that so many wannabe filmmakers have adopted, but in a "Jesus, this guy makes movies from my subconscious" kind of way. An archetypal, what's hidden underneath the surface understanding that both titilates and frightens you kind of way. I know he has many fans, but I do feel that one needs to have had the small town experience to fully embrace what he attempts in films such as Blue Velvet and the series Twin Peaks. It goes beyond the amusement of viewing quaintness, quirkiness -- beyond seeing the dark sexuality of Frank Booth's fetishes. It's his understanding of the small-town psyche and all of the hyprocrisy; the pent-up sexuality and violence that boils just beneath the surface. It's because I understand; I grew up in that sort of place -- I was Laura Palmer (in a fashion, anyway) and his work will always resonate with and excite and move me. Kids, he is never weird for weird's sake -- I grow so weary of hearing that.
Anyway, did you know that Thom Yorke from Radiohead did the vocals for Venus in Furs on the soundtrack for Velvet Goldmine? I've never been a big Radiohead fan, but I've always wondered who Venus in Furs was, because their covers on this soundtrack are really great. Amazing film, too.
Enough rambling. I'm off to bed.
July 18, 2006
Stolen from The Green Lantern.
Current mood: lethargicQuestions are missing, but what the hey...
Name: Dame H. Alexandra Scarborough III, Esq.
Eye color: Blue, but sometimes kinda grey.
Shoe size: 7
Height: 5'3 1/2"
What are you wearing right now?: Grey shorts, an exercise bra & a cat-hair covered black shirt.
Where do you live: (I steal Bill's on this...) Purgatory (Los Angeles)
Righty or lefty: Righty (Always wanted to be a lefty, though. My Dad is.)
Can you make a dollar in change right now: Yeah, but mostly in pennies.
FAVORITES
Kind of pants: Low-rise, but not too tight.
ANIMAL: Kitties kitties, always kitties.
Drink: Water, especially in this heat.
Month: October
Juice: Not a big juice person.
Favorite cartoon character: Bugs Bunny, hands down. Love the trickster drag-queen in him.
Have You Ever...
Given anyone a bath: Yes. Very fun, that is. Except when it's a screaming baby.
Bungee Jumped? Nope; no desire to.
Made yourself throw-up? No, I've never been able to do that.
Gone skinny dipping? Underwear dipping, but never the full monty (and toppy, as it were).
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Naturally. I'm a tear factory.
Broken a bone: Yes, wrist.
Played truth or dare: Yes, it was fun -- but I find the truths much more interesting than dares. Maybe it's the natural storyteller/listener in me.
Been in a physical fight: Yes, unfortunately. I got my ass kicked.
Been on a plane: Yes. I don't like it so much anymore. I gets nervous.
Came close to dying: Not as far as I know. Or would want to know, probably.
Been in a hot tub: Is a hot tub the same as a jacuzzi? Then yes. If no, then no.
Fallen asleep in school: Oh, of course. But never in college.
Ran away: Nah. Wanted to sometimes.
Broken someone's heart: Yes, I'm ashamed to say.
Cried when someone died: Yes, quite recently over the circumstances around my 2nd cousin's death.
Fell off your chair: Yep, that's when I broke my wrist.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Fuck yeah, and it's miserable.
Saved AIM conversations: Yeah.
Made out with JUST a friend? Yep; regretted it, later.
Used someone: Nope, I am proud to say I don't do that.
Been cheated on: Yes, of course. Haven't we all had that happen to us? Just me? Oh, nevermind, then.
What is...
New fav. song: I dunno. I'm behind in new music.
Beside you: Lots of paper.
Last thing you ate: Three-day old tortellini. It was disgusting.
Ever Had...
Chicken pox: Yes, when I was 3.
Sore Throat: Yes, up until I had my tonsils out, and occasionally thereafter.
Stitches: Yes, name a place & I probably have them there.
Broken nose: Nope, thank God.
Do You...
Believe in love at first sight: No. Intense attraction, lust, hopefulness, excitement -- but not love.
Long distance relationships: Occasionally they work, but both parties have to be incredibly centered & mature.
Like school: Yes, I could be a student for the rest of my life, & I would be happy.
Question yourself: Incessantly.
Who was the last person that called you? J. Paul.
Who makes you smile the most: All of my kitty cats.
Do you like filling these out: Apparently; I do it enough.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses: Both. I sure do want that new-fangled Lasik surgery the kids are talkin' about.
Do you get along with your family: Yes, yes I do, I'm happy to report.
Final Questions:
What did you do yesterday: Worked, fed & gave medicine to kitties, ate at Taco Bell, did homework, watched "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" on KDOC.
Good Singer: I think I hold my own.
Have a lava lamp: Nope.
How many remote controls are in your house? 3
Are you double jointed? No such thing.
Scary or Funny Movies: Funny, as long as they're not stupid. Same goes for scary.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Always chocolate.
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper: Diet Dr. Pepper.
Summer or winter: Winter winter winter.
Silver or Gold: Silver.
Diamond or pearl: Eh. Diamonds, I guess, although the trade is really corrupt.
Sprite or 7up: Sprite.
Coffee or tea: Tea. Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf's Japanese Cherry Green Tea, to be exact.
Phone or in person: In person; I hate the phone.
Today did you...
1. Talk to someone you liked: Yes.
2. Buy something: Yes, but only necessities.
3. Get sick? No, but felt sick a few times.
8. Talked to an ex: Sort of.
9. Miss someone: Yes, a great deal.
Last person who....
10. Slept in your bed: Um. Me! Yeah, that's the right answer.
11. Saw/heard you cry: Sweet Michelle at work. She's such a nice person; comforting.
12. Made you cry: [same] - Myself, sort of.
13. Went to the movies with? Darci and Devon.
16. Ever been in a fight with your pet? That's ridiculous; no.
18. Been to Mexico: Nope.
19. Been to Canada: Yep.
20. Been to Europe: Nope, but soon, soon I hope!
Random.....
21 ??????????? !!!!!!!!!!!
22. what book are you reading now: Henry James' "Wings of the Dove," "Philosophy for Dummies," and my Travel textbook.
23. Best feeling in the world?: Being in love.
24. Future KIDS names: No kids, but Violet for a girl, and Presley for a boy.
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, the real kind that purr.
26. What's under your bed: The floor, with no space in between.
27. Favorite sports to watch: Kitty Olympics.
28. Favorite Locations: Snoqualmie, Washington; a little bridge in rural Kentucky off of US 25; Seattle; Vancouver, B.C.; Ireland/Scotland and Venice, Italy, even though I've been to neither.
29. Tattoos or piercings: 4 tattoos, quadruple piercings in left ear, double in right (although I pretty much only wear the standard two holes these days), and old scars from 2 nose & a nipple piercing.
30. What are you most scared of right now? Failure.
31. Who do you really hate? No time for hating.
32. Do you have a job? Yes, 3.
33. Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with: Of course.
36. Are you lonely right now? Yes. Profoundly.
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now? That stupid Pussycat Dolls song about "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me..." Ugh.
39. Have you ever played strip poker: Yes. And Strip "Win, Lose or Draw." That was an interesting evening.
40. Have you ever gotten beat up? See previous "I got my ass kicked" comment, above.
42. Have you ever been on radio/TV: Yes, both.
43. Have you ever been in a mosh-pit: Yes, I was a metal/goth/punk chick in the early 90s, so I lived through quite a few of them.
44. Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed you? Oh, I know they noticed me, they just didn't care.
Random...
45. what color is your underwear right now? Not wearing any -- surprise!
46.Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes, hair, voice, arms.
47.Your Favorite Food? Anything spicy, although it doesn't like me anymore.
48.Ever get so drunk you dont remember? Unfortunately, yes.
49.Are you too shy to ask someone out? Not at the moment, no.
50.Hugs or Kisses? Depends on my mood. Right now? Hugs.
51.Dogs or cats? See "kitties kitties, always kitties" comment, above.
52.Favorite Flower? Stargazer lily for appearance; rose for scent.
53.Have you ever fired a gun? Yes, a couple of times. No big whoop in it for me.
54.How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.
55.Who are you missing right now? My family. J. Paul.
56.Do you think (any of) your ex(s) miss(es) you? Yes, I know quite a few of them do. That's what happens when Alexandra gets under your skin.
July 8, 2006
From The Daily Om: A reminder I needed today.Your Innate Value
Worth
Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how you feel about yourself at a given moment in time. Your worth, however, is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe. It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief. Your worth cannot be taken from you or damaged by life's rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or even actively ignored. By regularly acknowledging your self-worth, you can ensure that you never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe you are.You are born worthy-your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value. During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You'll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfillment of expectations, you'll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life's journey.
Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us.
July 5, 2006
The world is full of tears.
Current mood: scaredYeah, I'm sad...and I guess it's true you view the world around you by how despondent you're feeling inside. But it seems that all I see around me is sadness, fear and death: torn animals on the street where they were spooked by the stupid fucking illegal firecrackers last night, only to get hit by a car; an insane, selfish father in Northern California killing his children and then himself; arrogant North Korea playing chicken with us, and a Fuckhead at our helm who will likely pull us into WWIII.
How do I protect the ones I love? How do I stay positive?
Where is the real Johnny Smith? I wish he existed.
Is there no wonder superhero movies are so popular right now? We all feel so helpless. We want to believe we can be saved, but we need to save ourselves. We need to stop being selfish and status-seeking; motivated by greed and lust and jealousy.
I would like to lose myself in alcohol or find some mind-numbing succor right now, but apathy and irresponsibility is not where I want to operate from. But then, neither is pessimism...
Clear-eyed hope? I'm trying kids, I really am.
June 21, 2006
OH MY GAWRSH. Patch is back!
Current mood: giddyOkay, okay, you'll have to forgive this diatribe...but early teens Alexandra has emerged...I turned on Days of Our Lives today for the first time in months (yes, I watch it occasionally, shaddap, it's for the cute boys), and actor Stephen Nichols is back on the show! Along with Kayla! C'mon, they had the most idealized, sweetest, Harlequin Romance relationship on TV! Nice girl saves dark, dangerous guy & he loves her like gangbusters, until, of course, his untimely death (which, as always on a soap, wasn't really a death, but it did take him 16 years to return). I turned it on just in time to see their fated meeting, and she passed out in his arms. Sigh.
Wow. I had the biggest crush on him, and he's still hot! How does someone still look that hot at 55? I'll have what he's having.
Damn, I wish I had TiVo.
June 11, 2006
Hopes and wishes...and blowing off homework...1. What's something you've always wanted to do with on your own?
Travel travel travel.2. What's something you've always wanted to do with a best friend?
Go camping.3. What's a place you've always wanted to visit?
I've answered this one a lot, but here goes: Ireland/Scotland/Wales/England, Italy, Germany, New Zealand, Iceland, Eastern Europe (especially Romania and the Czech Republic), Switzerland, Greece, Northern Africa (especially Morocco and Egypt), French countryside -- too many to name.4. What's something really expensive you really would like to buy if you had the money?
A home -- well, several homes, in several different places.5. What's something really kinky you've always wanted to do?
Hmm. Well, it doesn't involve corpses or dogs, I can tell you that.6. What's something you've always wanted to do with a significant other?
"Make love on a train...cross-country."7. What's something you HAVE to do before you die?
Write a bunch, act a bunch, live a bunch, love a bunch.8. What's something you don't ever have to again and you'd be just fine with it?
Eating meat.9. What's something really unique about you that few people know about?
Wow, there isn't much that's unique these days, but I guess most folks don't know that in all my years of growing up, I possess the motley past of having been an evangelical Christian, a cheerleader, a class Valedictorian, a band nerd, a near-miss on becoming Miss Kentucky, a metal chick, a goth, and a college radio disk jockey. I'm the walking personification of "The Breakfast Club."10. What's something you would like to see yourself doing in ten years from now?
Enjoying my life completely, instead of only intermittently.-------
How old was I?
When you fell in love-officially:
14 - with my first serious boyfriend, David.Lost someone close to you:
In terms of family - 5; in terms of impact - not yet.Got drunk:
16? Can't really remember. I drank for the first time at 16.Smoked weed:
16 - bought it from an old elementary school friend that I've heard is now in jail.Got kissed:
12 - by Mr. Tongue Jeff W., at a school dance. Aww.Stayed in the hospital:
12 - got a bone spur removed from my wrist. Back then you had a stay for something like that. Not anymore; freakin' childbirth is considered an outpatient procedure.Got your heart broken:
15 - by the aforementioned David.Lost a pet:
7? I don't wanna think about it!Got arrested:
Never. I's a good girl. :)Smoked a cigarette:
23 - To "get myself in character" for a role I was playing.Broken a bone:
5 - fell off a table & chipped my wristbone.Got a real job:
16 - Pizza Hut. Wow, it sucked.Got cheated on:
15 - Again, by that bastard David! ;)Rode the city bus:
Probably 14, with my brother in Lexington, Ky.Went to a concert:
13 - Tina Turner, baby!Met someone famous:
21 - Glenn DanzigDyed your hair:
17 - Went red from streaky blonde.Rode an airplane:
23 - to move to Seattle.Got your own cell phone:
The tender age of 27, gee.Had first boy/girl friend:
5 - Ah, dear little Gene LaFoe. I wonder what happened to him?Got a MySpace:
"Got a MySpace"? Account? Dunno, coupla years ago, so 32.Snuck out of the house:
15 - Got busted when I was 16, though. Wow, that sucked too.Got your own digital camera:
I don't have one, boo-hoo.How old are you now?
A sexy 60. ;)June 2, 2006
Blowing off work some more...
Current mood: moody1)How old do you wish you were?
Hmm. I don't know that I'd want to go back, but I don't want to go forward, either. Here is good.2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Unfortunately, flying. My plane got grounded in Vegas and I was stuck there for five days in the same clothes, with no money.3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Usually say "Fuck!" really loud, and then walk away.4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Most definitely.5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Well, considering I already have four, I guess the question is, "where would I get another?" Answer: left upper arm.6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Italian, French, German, Gaelic, Romanian.7) Do you know your neighbors?
Eh, they all suck and they're loud.8)What do you consider a vacation?
Any event where I can breathe and not worry about tomorrow/later today/the next minute.9) Do you follow your horoscope?
Occasionally, yes.10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes.11) Are you touchy feely?
Hmm. Emotionally, yes, but I wouldn't say I'm one of those folks who's always grabbing onto people when they talk, or constantly doing kissy-face with friends.12) Do you believe opposites attract?
Yeah, but it doesn't last long.13) Dream job?
Writing/acting/directing, and getting paid for it.14) Favorite channel(s)?
Channel Z.15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere quiet.16) Showers or Baths?
Baths, although I don't have a tub anymore.17) Do you paint your fingernails?
Yeah, sometimes. I would like to do it more often, but I never have the time.18) Do you trust people easily?
Heh. No, not particularly. Guess I've been burned a few too many times.19) What are your phobias?
Being disliked; being irrelevant.20) Do you want kids?
I love children and would be a great mom, but no, I've decided for a number of reasons not to have kids.21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Off and on all my life.22) Where would you rather be right now?
In a big, fluffy bed at the Montecito Inn in Santa Barbara, listening to the ocean.23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
Kitties.24) Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy.25) Are you paranoid?
From time to time.26) Are you impatient?
Yes; one of my worst character flaws.27) Who can you relate to?
These days, I'm feeling a bit isolated (self-imposed) and disconnected from all.28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Been in 'em; got no problem w/'em.29) Have you been burned by love?
Of course.33) What are you reading?
Trying to catch up on my Anthropology text before next week's test.34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
Chaplin, Heechee, Mr. Jones & Ilea's.35) Favorite Color?
Answered this in the last blog.36) Movie you most want to see?
Right now I really want to see Al Gore's film. Although I know I'm going to leave even more depressed than I am right now.37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Never anything at all times. But most usually keys, wallet/ID and something to read.38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Currently white and black.39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
About $40; and that's for the whole week. Yay me!40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The part that's living.41)what's your favorite city?
Of all that I've visited in North America, I'd have to say Seattle or Vancouver B.C.42) I can't wait till:
My life takes a turn for the better.43) Who got you to join myspace?
J. Paul44) What did you have for dinner last night?
See previous blog.45) How tall are you barefoot?
5'3 1/2".46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Jesus Christ, no.47) Do you own a gun?
Nope.48) what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water; then green tea.49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I have no secrets. Maybe that's why so many men are intimidated by me; I'm the real deal; not someone who hides behind smoke & mirrors.50) Do you have A.D.D.?
Whazzat? Sorry, I was thinking of something else.51) What time did you wake up today?
7:30, then 9.52) Current worry?
This raging flipping heartburn.53) Current hate?
Where I live.54) Favorite place to be?
Engaged in happiness.55) Where would you like to travel?
Think I answered this before, too -- but -- Italy, Scotland/Ireland/Wales/England, Eastern Europe, Germany, Iceland, New Zealand; anywhere except Iraq, Bosnia, and New Orleans -- at least, right now.56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Hopefully, more evolved.57) Last thing you ate?
Veggie sandwich from Subway.58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Everything. Often songs from "Evita," though.59) Last thing that made you laugh?
Anthony Michael Hall's expression to a fellow actor in "The Dead Zone," last night. I adore him.60) Worst injury you've ever had?
Meniscus tear (knee).61) Does someone have a crush on you?
Maybe? I'm not really connected to that right now.62) What is your favorite candy?
Peanut M&Ms.June 2, 2006
Blowing off work.
Current mood: exanimate71 Odd Questions...
1) Are your parents married or divorced?
Married. I'm one of the lucky few amongst my peers to have folks that are still together.2) Vegetarian?
Yes, since 1998.3) Do you believe in Heaven?
I believe in an eternal consciousness, but Heaven as a construct, no.5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
0.6) Are you eating?
No, I have severe heartburn right now.7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yeah, but I prefer the tops.8) Makeup?
Most always. But I wear a lot less than I used to.10) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Nope.11) What do you wear to bed?
Depends on my mood & who I'm with. It runs the gamut from nothing to a sexy nightie to pjs to big t-shirts & underwear.12) Have you ever done anything illegal?
Is spraying the inside of my high school ex-boyfriend's locker with an extinguisher illegal? If not, then no.13) Can you roll your tongue?
Yes. My tongue has many talents.14) Do you tweeze your eyebrows?
Absolutely. Otherwise, I'd look like Bjork, circa early 90s.15) What kind of sneakers?
I don't care, as long as they fit.16) Abortion?
Yes. Get your opinions away from my body.17) Hair color?
Red, fake red.18) Future Child's Name?
I don't plan on having children, but if I did...Violet for a girl, and Presley for a boy.19) Do you snore?
Nope.20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Anywhere but here, truthfully.21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No, I sleep with the real kind.22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off the bills; then travel.23) Gold or silver?
Silver.24) Hamburger or hot dog?
Either, if they're veggie.25) If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Bean & cheese burritos.27) What was the last thing you touched?
PC keyboard.28) Where did you eat dinner last night?
In my apartment -- two Shiner Bocks, some 7-layer dip and a couple of cookies while I watched "The Dead Zone." I needed to be decadent and lose myself for a little while.29) When's the last time you cried?
Night before last.30) Do you read blogs?
Of course.31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
I have, and I will again, I'm sure. I love it.32) Ever been involved with the police?
In a romantic way?33) What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
Mane & Tail -- that shit really works; those little Chinese sandalwood soaps you can get at Whole Foods.34) Do you talk in your sleep?
Only when I'm really stressed out, or being chased in a dream.35) Ocean or pool?
Ocean. I love a pool, though.36) What is your favorite song at the moment?
If You Leave -- OMD37) What's your favorite color?
Don't have one. I love black, all reds, especially crimson & maroon, all shades of blue, pink.38) Window seat or aisle?
Aisle, sos I can go potty.39) What color is your refrigerator?
White, with lots of ugly scratches on it.40) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
In some ways yes, in some ways no.41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Cut.42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Don't care.43) Basketball or Football?
Sex.44) Ever kissed a member of the same sex?
Oh, yes.46) Cake or ice cream? Cake, if it's chocolate.
47) Self-conscious?
Who isn't, in this town?49) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Of course -- even when they haven't bummed it.51) Where do you wish you were?
Venice, Italy with someone who loves me; or roaming Scotland & Ireland all by myself.53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Never had that distinct pleasure.54) Can you tango?
No, but I'm hoping to take lessons, soon.55) Last gift you received?
J. Paul probably bought me something, but I can't remember, at the moment.56) Last sport you played?
Emotional rollercoaster.57). Things you spend a lot of money on?
Rent, cat insulin, food. Wish it were more glamorous.58) Where do you live?
Dirty Koreatown.60) Last wedding attended?
One I officiated, 5 years ago.61) Favorite fast food restaurant?
Probably Del Taco or El Pollo Loco.63) Most hated food(s)?
Not a big fan of Kim Chee. Maybe that's why I hate Koreatown so much.65) Can you sing?
Yes, quite well.66) Last IM?
I don't recall. I don't do it very much anymore.67) What are your least fav. chores?
Vacuuming & dusting.68) Favorite alcohol drink?
Just beer. Plain, old beer.69) Current Crush?
Hmm? Is my heart crushed?70) Current thoughts of person posted this quiz before you?
Darci's my good, good friend.71) What is your theme song?
Don't think I have one, at the moment, unless you count Tom Jones' "I, Who Have Nothing." Boo-hoo, me.-------
Blowing off work some more...
Current mood: moody1)How old do you wish you were?
Hmm. I don't know that I'd want to go back, but I don't want to go forward, either. Here is good.2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Unfortunately, flying. My plane got grounded in Vegas and I was stuck there for five days in the same clothes, with no money.3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Usually say "Fuck!" really loud, and then walk away.4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Most definitely.5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Well, considering I already have four, I guess the question is, "where would I get another?" Answer: left upper arm.6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Italian, French, German, Gaelic, Romanian.7) Do you know your neighbors?
Eh, they all suck and they're loud.8)What do you consider a vacation?
Any event where I can breathe and not worry about tomorrow/later today/the next minute.9) Do you follow your horoscope?
Occasionally, yes.10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes.11) Are you touchy feely?
Hmm. Emotionally, yes, but I wouldn't say I'm one of those folks who's always grabbing onto people when they talk, or constantly doing kissy-face with friends.12) Do you believe opposites attract?
Yeah, but it doesn't last long.13) Dream job?
Writing/acting/directing, and getting paid for it.14) Favorite channel(s)?
Channel Z.15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere quiet.16) Showers or Baths?
Baths, although I don't have a tub anymore.17) Do you paint your fingernails?
Yeah, sometimes. I would like to do it more often, but I never have the time.18) Do you trust people easily?
Heh. No, not particularly. Guess I've been burned a few too many times.19) What are your phobias?
Being disliked; being irrelevant.20) Do you want kids?
I love children and would be a great mom, but no, I've decided for a number of reasons not to have kids.21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Off and on all my life.22) Where would you rather be right now?
In a big, fluffy bed at the Montecito Inn in Santa Barbara, listening to the ocean.23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
Kitties.24) Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy.25) Are you paranoid?
From time to time.26) Are you impatient?
Yes; one of my worst character flaws.27) Who can you relate to?
These days, I'm feeling a bit isolated (self-imposed) and disconnected from all.28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Been in 'em; got no problem w/'em.29) Have you been burned by love?
Of course.33) What are you reading?
Trying to catch up on my Anthropology text before next week's test.34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
Chaplin, Heechee, Mr. Jones & Ilea's.35) Favorite Color?
Answered this in the last blog.36) Movie you most want to see?
Right now I really want to see Al Gore's film. Although I know I'm going to leave even more depressed than I am right now.37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Never anything at all times. But most usually keys, wallet/ID and something to read.38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Currently white and black.39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
About $40; and that's for the whole week. Yay me!40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The part that's living.41)what's your favorite city?
Of all that I've visited in North America, I'd have to say Seattle or Vancouver B.C.42) I can't wait till:
My life takes a turn for the better.43) Who got you to join myspace?
J. Paul44) What did you have for dinner last night?
See previous blog.45) How tall are you barefoot?
5'3 1/2".46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Jesus Christ, no.47) Do you own a gun?
Nope.48) what do you prefer to drink in the morning
Water; then green tea.49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I have no secrets. Maybe that's why so many men are intimidated by me; I'm the real deal; not someone who hides behind smoke & mirrors.50) Do you have A.D.D.?
Whazzat? Sorry, I was thinking of something else.51) What time did you wake up today?
7:30, then 9.52) Current worry?
This raging flipping heartburn.53) Current hate?
Where I live.54) Favorite place to be?
Engaged in happiness.55) Where would you like to travel?
Think I answered this before, too -- but -- Italy, Scotland/Ireland/Wales/England, Eastern Europe, Germany, Iceland, New Zealand; anywhere except Iraq, Bosnia, and New Orleans -- at least, right now.56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Hopefully, more evolved.57) Last thing you ate?
Veggie sandwich from Subway.58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Everything. Often songs from "Evita," though.59) Last thing that made you laugh?
Anthony Michael Hall's expression to a fellow actor in "The Dead Zone," last night. I adore him.60) Worst injury you've ever had?
Meniscus tear (knee).61) Does someone have a crush on you?
Maybe? I'm not really connected to that right now.62) What is your favorite candy?
Peanut M&Ms.May 22, 2006
Cocteau of the Week.
Current mood: contemplativeI'm a lover of all things Jean Cocteau, theatre and film director, actor, writer, poet, painter, aesthete. If you aren't familiar with him, do yourself a favor and take some time to immerse yourself in the art he created while living. I've decided to share passages from his book "The Difficulty of Being," that are relevant, affecting and poignant (at least for me).
Today's selection is taken from the chapter, "On the Theatre". I can't think of any other person who understands the "exquisite torture" that directing theatre brings, more than Cocteau:
-------
The theatre is a furnace. Whoever does not suspect this is consumed in the long run or else burns out at once. It damps one's zeal. It attacks by fire and by water.
The audience is a surging sea. It gives one nausea. This is called stage fright. It's all very well to say to oneself: it's the theatre, it's the audience. It makes no difference. One makes up one's mind not to be caught again. One returns. It's the Casino. One stakes all one has. It's exquisite torture. Anyone but a conceited ass goes through it. There is no cure.
When I rehearse, I become a spectator. I am bad at correcting faults. I love actors and they take me in. I listen to something other than myself. The night before the show my weaknesses stare me in the face. It is too late. Consequently, overcome by something very like sea-sickness, I stride up and down the ship, the bunkers, the cabins, the alleyways to the cabins. I dare not look at the sea. Still less dip into it. It seems to me that if were to enter the auditorium I would sink the ship.
Here I am then in the wings, straining my ears. Behind the set a play is no longer painted; it draws its own outline. It shows me its flaws in draughtsmanship. I go out. I go and lie down in the dressing-rooms. What my actresses leave there, when changing souls, creates an inevitable vacuum. I suffocate. I get up. I listen. Where have they got to? I listen at doors. Yet I know this sea is subject to rules. Its waves roll in and roll out at my command...
...Delicious moments of suffering that I would not exchange for anything.
-------
Madonna Madonna Madonna
Current mood: bouncyAaah. Another Madonna show under my belt. And of course, she didn't disappoint.
I loved her examination of the horse as masculine/sexual symbol (doesn't every little girl want a big powerful horsie between her legs? Freud or someone of equal import has already explored this...) and her further analysis of coming face-to-face with her humanity after taking a big tumble from one last year, resulting in breaking a number of her bones. I admired her ability to recognize her vulnerability in the face of something more powerful than her -- and who would believe it was a horse? The only thing to nearly break Madonna was nature itself. That must have been quite an epiphany for someone who has been more than a mere human for so long.
The video imagery/manipulation of horses (complete with action stills of riders being thrown off), views of her x-rays, the S/M overtones of it all -- was so powerful. And that was just the first five minutes of the concert!
Every show of hers gets better and better. I've always enjoyed her immensely -- her emotional/spiritual development seems to mirror my own (or is it the other way around?), but I love the fact that the older she gets, the more introspective, interpretive and artistic she becomes. Sure the sexiness is still there, the playfulness, the petulance -- but also, there is a vital, relevant artist that, while being presentational, is willing to look deeper inside herself than perhaps she once did.
She is still more than human. And she still understands that music and dance are two (maybe the only two?) unifying factors that can connect all humans; bring them together without judgment. It's not just about grinding away at each other on a dance floor. It's about the subtleties, the interplay, the willingness to share energy; the delicate (or intense) dance that says, "I am me, you are you, but together, right now -- in this music, in this moment -- we are connected; we are one."
And that's what it's about.
May 16, 2006
I'm gonna get called a bitch or prude, but here goes.
Current mood: annoyedCan I just take a minute to say that I am sick of every woman in a social situation who feels she needs to act like a hip-hop skank in order to garner attention?
Sure, music's playing. Sure, you're drinking and feelin' fine. I understand that. But do you really have to grind against everyone in the fucking bar to get yourself noticed? Whatever happened to sexy, playful confidence? Am I so old that that approach is no longer considered sexy?
Yes, I've gotten goofy, acted like a dumbass when I'm drunk (hey, I ended up in the emergency room after trying to flip a male friend over my back one night, many years ago) -- but at least it was out of feeling connected to people -- having a good time. I am not so insecure that I need to push myself off on everyone and compete with every attractive girl in the place in order to feel like I'm hot. It's so, well...pathetic. And I notice it's fairly pervasive these days, especially among younger women.
I'm sure most guys would disagree -- bring on the skanky behavior! We love it! But as a woman who appreciates women, I just don't find it sexy at all; I find it offensive, childish, and lacking of any self respect.
May 15, 2006
~So far who did you talk to the most today?:
Probably Tony, at work.~What is the best name for a butler?
Mr. Knickers.~What is the thing you are picked on most about?:
Hmm. Not really picked on much these days, but I used to get teased about the goth thing, some years back.~What's the weirdest story of one of your scars?:
Ex-boyfriend cut me. But I didn't mind. True story.~Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say bear?:
No; I should see that again. I haven't since I was small.~What color is your toothbrush?:
White, with a red stripe down the middle.~What is your middle name spelled backwards?:
ardnaxela~Can you eat well with chopsticks?:
I do! Although I prefer the smaller Japanese style over the larger Chinese ones.~Have you ever felt an earthquake?:
Yep, but strangely, not here. In Kentucky & Seattle.~What do you do with the hot grease when you're done cooking bacon?:
Ugh -- no bacon on my menu -- however, in the south, they save the drippings to use for cooking later. Isn't that gross?~How many good friends do you have?:
10 or so.~What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
I am ashamed to say I once tried turtle, but felt so bad when I put it in my mouth, I spit it out. I still haven't stopped feeling bad about that, and it was over 17 years ago.~What color are your socks today?:
Black.~What is your least favorite word that starts with the letter G?:
Grief.~Who do you blame for your mood today?
Stupid loud assholes in my apartment building.~What is the closest object to your left foot?:
A Dorito crumb.~Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers?:
Does anyone? That's an odd question.~What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a row?:
Oh, lord -- probably 18?~What story do you tell most often?:
Probably the "meeting William Shatner" story. Ask me. I'll tell ya all about it!~How do ugly people make you feel?:
It takes all kinds, I say.~Where was your mothers hometown?:
Livingston, Ky~Where was your fathers hometown?:
Brodhead, Ky~What are the posters on your walls?:
I have a framed Breakfast Club poster & a Madonna tour poster.~Say two words that rhyme:
Fancy schmancy~Do you use online terms in real life?:
No. Never. Yuck.~What do you think people think of you?:
I would hope they feel positively, but you can't control what others think of you, so I try not to worry about it.~Do you think this year will be better than the last?:
Who the hell knows? I'll just take it day-by-day.~Who is the 1st person on your incoming call list?:
J. Paul~What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?:
Shaving my arms when I was 7; it caused me to have a permanent hair erection --or, maybe-- not sleeping with Glenn Danzig.~What is your favorite commercial of the moment?:
It was one of those funny radio commercials for "Real Men of Genius" -- hawking some beer, I forget which one -- but damn, it was funny.~What does it take to make you cry?:
Beautiful films, music, souls; conversely, sad films, music, souls.~What are you looking forward to?:
Moving forward with all the projects I have in my head.~Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly?:
Sure.~Who did you kiss today?:
No one, yet. :)~What do you like to do when you are alone?:
Watch television or films, read, surf the net, write, think, listen to music -- all the obvious stuff.~Who are your 2 favorite characters on Full House?:
Umm.~What is missing from your life?:
Good cash flow.~Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes?:
No -- I'm a hippie at heart.~Grab the closest book, what does the 7th sentence on the 23rd page say?:
"With such a conception of man's place in nature, what is for us land tenure, or ownership, or rights of use and disposal, is for other societies an intimate belongingness." We should have read that before coming over to America and pissing on the Indians.~If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear?:
Good lord, shoes are the last thing I'd be thinking about.~What do you think of Law and Order?:
I used to watch SVU & Criminal Intent quite a bit, but got out of the habit. They're well-acted shows.~Can you name all 7 dwarfs?:
Poopie, Stinky, Squirty, Squishy, Boobie, Gerald and McFart.~Have you ever pretended to be Jewish?:
No, but a guy in Austin told me I looked Jewish, whatever that means.~What was the last thing you thought you lost, but ended up finding it?:
Some makeup.~Have you ever been cool enough to push all the buttons on an elevator?:
I don't find that cool at all; I find it childish -- so, no.~What were you doing at midnight last night?:
Telling my fucking neighbors to stop being so loud. Yay, me.April 28, 2006
Throwing away the potential of happiness again.I wish I were not emotional. Sometimes I wish I could be cold, unfeeling, uncaring and unable to give a shit.
I don't want to feel anymore. I'm exhausted with feeling. I don't want to care if people think I'm nice. I want to satisfy me.
But that will never happen. I do care; I want happiness for me, but I want all those I care about to be happy, too. How do I reconcile the two?
Fatalism, my dear companion fatalism, is always paying me a visit, whispering dark things into my ear.
I feel like drowning my dear friend in the ocean.
April 21, 2006
One of the many reasons I love George Clooney.The fear of being criticized can be paralyzing. Just look at the way so many Democrats caved in the run up to the war. In 2003, a lot of us were saying, Where is the link between Saddam and bin Laden? What does Iraq have to do with 9/11? We knew it was bullshit. Which is why it drives me crazy to hear all these Democrats saying, We were misled. It makes me want to shout, Fuck you, you werent misled. You were afraid of being called unpatriotic. Bottom line: Its not merely our right to question our government; its our duty. Whatever the consequences.
Actor George Clooney, on the Huffington Post, 3/13/06.
April 19, 2006
Stolen, always stolen.1. can you tap dance?
No, but I'm going to be taking tango soon!2. do you own a pair of see-thru underwear?
Yecch. No.3. what color was the sky today?
Umm, I don't remember looking at it that carefully today. I should do that more often, because it is always extraordinary!4. do you own a classic brown teddy bear?
Nope.5. is your favorite holiday christmas?
No -- Halloween!6. is there a candle by you?
There are candles all over my apartment, but not right beside me, no.7. if you had an ipod mini, what color would you have?
I don't like minis; I have a regular one. And I'm not that concerned with color on an item like that.8. what song are you listening to?
Watching a movie -- sort of. The Fog sucks. Only turned it on for Tom Welling, and I'm not seeing enough of him.9. is it your favourite song?
No, but he's my favorite WB hot guy.10. how many myspaces have you had?
Just one -- I'm not a total megalomaniac.11. have you ever made a myspace survey?
Nah, just steal ones I find entertaining.12. are you wearing any jewlery?
Took most of it off earlier, but I still have in earrings.13. where does your grandma live?
One lives six feet under in Livingston, Kentucky; the other in Brodhead, Kentucky.14. are you an angry drunk?
Nope; I'm happy, chatty and silly. If I get too drunk I can get fatalistic & weepy, though.15. do you prefer pen or pencil?
Always a pen.16. are you wearing deoderant?
No, I'm wearing deod_o_rant & antiperspirant.17. ever been in an earthquake?
Yeah, in Seattle, & some tremors here.18. is your birthday this month?
No, I'm a September baby.19. do guys suck?
Only when they're pulling out magical poison darts (sorry, it's a reference to my anthropology class).20. are you afraid of the dentist?
No. How can you be afraid of someone with the name Dr. Kluemper?21. do you know exactly what car you want?
Huh? Me no care, as long as it runs.22. have you ever bought something from ebay?
Yup -- a VCR, the classic Playboy that featured Madonna and some other junk.23. ever seen "boy meets world"?
Never heard of it.24. own a locket?
Nah - but they're kind of cool in a Victorian way.25. do you share a locker?
Oh, dear, this was penned by a high schooler, no?26. ever dissected anything?
Egad.27. ever had a referral?
??? This is an odd question.28. still play with legos?
Never did.29. do you know when easter is?
Dats when Jebus says "Surprise!" and gives everybody chocolate bunnies, no?30. is the easter bunny real?
I wish he was; I'd invite him over to play with my kitties.31. last time you wrote a note?
I dunno.32. ever been on a cruise?
No, but it would be fun. I'd like to take an Alaskan cruise.33. ever gotten pregnant by someone on a cruise?
Only in my mind. On the S.S. McGregor.34. dyed your hair?
So many times, I don't remember my original color.35. Like your handwriting?
I do.36. do you eat?
Whuzzat?37. are you wearing lotion?
Always. Dry skin here in L.A.38. last time you talked on the phone?
Earlier today.39. do you know victoria's secret?
I used to work there, but she never gave up the goods.40. are you nice?
Yes; I try to treat everyone with the same amount of respect and kindness.41. did you learn something new today?
Yes, I did in therapy. It was quite illuminating.42. what were you last halloween?
Dr. Gonzo (along with my partner's Hunter S. Thompson). It was awesome.43. ever met a midget?
Nope.44. ever been to cuba?
No; no desire to go, really.45. ever cut yourself shaving?
Quite bad, from time to time.46. ever owned an exotic pet?
Turtles and gerbils, if they count.47. is it your birthday? is it your mothers?
As I said, I'm a Virgo, Mom's a Pisces. So, no. But it is my parents' anniversary.48. is it someone elses birthday?
Yes, my ex-boyfriend Donald's.49. had a good day?
So-so. Tired.50. How long did this take you?
Around 7 minutes (occasionally I looked up when I heard Tom Welling talking).April 8, 2006
Who knew?
Current mood: discontentHead hurts. Stomach lurches when I go over the details. Caught up in my own jealousies, fears and double-standards. I take two steps forward and then four back.
I want to take the easy route, avoid it all and just go to sleep right now, but I have to face it. Besides, it would just worm its way into my dreams, anyway.
I long for those days when I threw caution to the wind and didn't worry about outcomes and potentialities.
Who knew being an adult would suck so much? And that's all I wanted when I was young. But nothing becomes easier. Nothing ever stays the same, and nothing ever satisfies.
Currently listening:
Tales of a Librarian: A Tori Amos Collection
By Tori Amos
Release date: 18 November, 2003March 22, 2006
The Carnival is Over
Dead Can Dance
Album: Into the Labyrinth (1993)Outside
The storm clouds gathering
Move silently along the dusty boulevard
Where flowers turning crane their fragile necks
So they can in turn
Reach up and kiss the skyThey are driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye
Someone is callingI remember when you held my hand
In the park we would play when the circus came to town
Over hereOutside
The circus gathering
Moved silently along the rainswept boulevard
The procession moved on the shouting is over
The fabulous freaks are leaving townThey are driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye
Someone is calling
The carnival is overWe sat and watched
As the moon rose
For the very first time.March 18th, 2006
(From my myspace page)Hey, it's midnight and I'm an Irish drunk!
Current mood: depressed
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD (THAT SUCKED): 1. Theatre Subscription Telemarketer -- In Seattle -- Doesn't matter how good the shows are, it sucks to call people and bug them. I lasted about a week.
2. Phone Sex Girl -- Also in Seattle -- Man, it blows to be in your groove on the sexy talk and have some guy hang up on you because he's already blown his wad. I lasted about a month.
3. Coffee Barista -- In L.A. -- I know some people love it, but I HATE coffee people, man. They're so fucking demanding and petulant. Plus both places I worked (for one day each) the training blew chunks.
4. Strip Club Bartender -- In L.A. Most of this job was okay, but the worst part was cleaning the fucking poles. I don't care that I was wearing latex gloves, I knew I was wiping off a multitude of communicable substances. Again, my tenure was about a month.FOUR MOVIES YOU SAW, BUT NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN:
1. Independence Day -- God, friends dragged me to this one, & after seeing Lost Highway, it was disappointing to see Bill Pullman sell out.
2. Napoleon Dynamite -- I don't get why everyone thought this movie was great. It's derivative and forces the joke. Not funny at all.
3. Over the Top -- I actually sat through this piece of shit arm-wrestling movie for some guy I was dating in high school. We broke up soon after, thank the fuck Christ.
4. Pink Flamingos -- I really want to like John Waters, I really do, but anyone who kills a chicken for the sake of "art" has no place in my book of cool people. Plus, the movie sucks.FOUR PLACES YOU'D NEVER WANT TO LIVE:
1. Any extended family's home.
2. Hermann Goering's house.
3. On the street.
4. With Ann Coulter.FOUR TV SHOWS YOU HATE:
1. Anything on religious networks.
2. Anything "reality," with the exception of Starting Over, which does resonate sometimes, when I remember to watch it every six months or so (I guess it's my age or something).
3. Talking head right-wing talk shows (like Bill O'Reilly).
4. Cops. Why would I want to bring the dregs of humanity into my home? To feel better about myself? No thanks, I'm doing fine.
FOUR PLACES YOU'D LIKE TO VISIT, BUT PROBABLY WON'T:
1. Indonesia
2. Poland/Eastern Europe
3. Antartica
4. Japan
FOUR WEBSITES YOU WOULDN'T WANT IN YOUR CACHE:
1. www.jesusfreak.com
2. www.nazisareus.com
3. www.welovetokillanimals.com
4. www.kidsarefuntohavesexwith.comFOUR OF YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FOODS:
1. White Bread
2. Kim Chee
3. Pork Rinds
4. Meat, of any kind.FOUR PLACES YOU DON'T WANT TO BE:
1. Gulag
2. Carrot Top's house
3. With a rapist
4. Dead
Currently listening:
Up
By Peter Gabriel
Release date: 24 September, 2002February 16, 2006
Sunday
David Bowie
Album: Heathen (2002)Nothing remains
We could run when the rain slows
Look for the cars or signs of life
Where the heat goesLook for the drifters
We should crawl under the bracken
Look for the shafts of light
On the road where the heat goes
Everything has changedFor in truth, it's the beginning of nothing
And nothing has changed
Everything has changedFor in truth, it's the beginning of an end
And nothing has changed
Everything has changedIn your fear
Of what we have become
Take to the fire
Now we must burn
All that we are
Rise together
Through these clouds
As on wingsIn your fear
Seek only peace
In your fear
Seek only love
In your fear
Seek only peace
In your fear
Seek only love
In your fear
In your fear
As on wingsThis is the trip
And this is the business we take
This is our number
All my trials
Lord, will be remembered
Everything has changedFebruary 8, 2006
Current mood: discontent1} Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
Probably my fingers.2} Describe yourself in three "s" words:
Simply sleight-of-hand sanitarium.3} How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
About an hour.4} Favorite place to blow $50?
Ha! When does that happen?5} How many people have you thought were "the one"?
Too many, only to get "fooled again," as our lovely President stumbles over saying.6} What is something that completely turns you off from the opposite/same sex?
Self-absorption.7} What kind of car do you drive?
A cheap little Ford Focus hatchback.8} What's in your CD player/ipod right now?
Leonard Cohen -- Dance Me To the End of Love.9} What celebrity would you have coffee with?
Dead - Jean Cocteau; Living - David Lynch.10} What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Ugh. Many, but Paris Hilton tops my list.11} What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Tom's of Maine.12} What time do you go to bed?
Depends on my obligations the next day.13} Last movie you saw?
Dune (the new cut).14} Last TV show you watched?
Forensic Files.15} Who is your best friend?
I'd like to say myself, but probably J. Paul or Darci.16} Who in your family do you best get along with?
I get along well with all of my family.17} Who do you have a crush on?
The person that re-enters my life periodically (with a different face and name each time) that I want and can't have.18} What time is it right now?
11:47 pm19} Are you planning a vacation/travel?
Gonna go to Vegas for my Mom's 60th and see Tom Jones. Yes, he will have my bra for his 40+ year collection by the end of the evening. :)20} When/Where was the last time you traveled?
Seattle, September 2005.21} How many times have you been in love?
Can't count. Too many, only to become disillusioned.22} How old will you be in 10 years?
813. That's how old I feel today, anyway.23} Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hopefully, happier than I am right now.24} Sinful snacking weakness?
Chocolate chip cookies -- the super fat kind.25} Roller coasters?
Yep. Love 'em.26} Ever run out of gas?
Somehow I managed to escape that inconvenience.27} Ever been on a train?
Only the touristy kind, but I have an affinity for them. Perhaps it's my southern upbringing.28} Ever been on a blind date?
Yes, but only with a girl.29} Ever been to Europe?
No, but I hope to go soon.30} What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
Probably stand all day in front of the mirror, checking myself out. Especially if I was Tom Welling.31} Would you tell anyone it was really you?
Definitely.32} Ever been arrested?
Nope.33} Have a crush on anyone you work with?
Definitely not; I work with animals.34} What is something you believe in?
Interesting question, given that I'm studying philosophy, and everything in my life has been called into question. But to quote Descartes, I believe that I am a thinking being, therefore, I exist. I believe in that.35} What is something you fear?
Not touching the utmost heights I can reach, in every capacity.36} Big or small?
Small dogs, big kitties.37} What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
Every year of my teens; death of an animal companion; divorce from my husband; right now.38} What is your favorite television show?
I'm behind on my t.v. watching.39} Ever Photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
Sure.40} Tell us something about your childhood.
I was kinda fat.41} What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
No peoples here.42} Best time to catch you in a good mood?
When I'm revealing something profound to myself, crying and laughing at the same time.43} What's the first thing you do in the morning?
Pee, then feed the cats.February 03, 2006
The Paradox of Love.I'm currently writing a play about love for my playwriting class, which incorporates elements of Philosophy (my other class). Funny how in the middle of all this, my partner of two years and I break up. Perhaps all of this deconstruction was the incendiary device.
I feel like the character of Death in Jean Cocteau's profoundly sad and beautiful film Orpheus. Or Plato, whose idealized Forms of Beauty (Love) lie outside any possibility in this existence.
I may never have what I most desire.
January 31, 2006
Strike up the band...
Current mood: numbAlexandra's started a new 7-year phase of her life. I totaled it up today, and since birth, every seven years, I go through some major identity and life shift.
2006 should prove to be interesting, if not stressful.
Anyone looking for a roommate in West L.A.? I have two cats, but I don't smoke or bring over weird friends. Anyway...
Another review to come in 2012.
January 29, 2006
Why is it every time I start to get a real handle on my life and things start moving smoothly -- either I or the universe has to go and fuck it up? Am I paying off some old karmic debt? Am I subconsciously creating the chaos? All I know is that my eyes are red from crying and I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach.Boo hoo, poor me.
January 23, 2006
I gotta check this guy's stuff out...he sounds amazing!
Current mood: cheerfulRichard Maxwell
Playwright's trademark is deadpan. Now he wants to tweak it.
By JESSE McKINLEY
Published: January 18, 2006
The New York TimesIt is always tempting to suggest that playwrights have something in common with their characters, and sure enough, Richard Maxwell is not the most expressive guy in the world.
For those of you without a working knowledge of quirky avant-garde theater types, Mr. Maxwell is the author and director of a series of acclaimed plays whose most defining characteristic is characters who speak, argue and even laugh in an unwavering monotone.
But for all his success - and his plays have been performed all over the world - Mr. Maxwell, 38, seems unsure about how the whole theater deal works. Asked, for example, how he writes, the soft-spoken Mr. Maxwell seemed flummoxed.
"It can vary, I guess," he said. "Generally speaking, I'm kind of sort of doing recording, not with a machine, but what I witness and what I hear, and what I remember. I just jot down ideas and things, and snatches of dialogue I hear. The characters emerge out of that, I guess, then I start to think about plot mechanics and what would happened if this person bumped into this person and whatever..."
His voice trailed off without completing the thought, something that would, once again, not be out of place in one of his plays. But it is a formula that works: his plays, ranging from "Billings," which appeared at the Ontological Theater in the East Village in 1997, to his current effort, "The End of Reality," which began performances last week at the Kitchen, have regularly been hailed by critics as hilarious and trenchant looks at American passivity.
"Reality," which runs through Jan. 28, is no exception; Ben Brantley of The New York Times called the show "his most eloquent statement to date on the blurring of despair and apathy in American lives."
Mr. Maxwell said he would not read that review - or any others - until the run is ended, preferring to tweak his scripts and direction night to night. "I just don't want to get distracted," he said.
Comparisons to one's characters, of course, can go only so far, and Mr. Maxwell is certainly more lively than many of his stage creations, displaying a dry sense of humor and a passion for country music. (He still plays in a country band with no name.) A native of Fargo, N.D., he moved to suburban Chicago, and studied acting at Illinois State University, where he founded a theater troupe, the Cook County Theater Department, with several friends. In 1994, he came to New York, and into the downtown theater scene, where he met - and eventually married - Tory Vazquez, an actress who appeared in his 2001 play, "Caveman." They live just off Times Square.
He says "Reality" is the first thing he has written from scratch since "Showcase," in early 2003, a gap of about three years. (He doesn't count "Good Samaritans," which played at St. Ann's Warehouse in fall 2004, because it was staged in the Netherlands - in Dutch - in 2002. "I didn't understand a word," he said.)
The break was a strange time for the writer, including a ding on his otherwise stellar rsum (a tepidly received staging of Shakespeare's "Henry IV, Part One" at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in 2003) and a bout of depression he said he suffered when his preferred presidential candidate - John Kerry - lost. ("I'm not such a big Kerry guy," he said, "but what Bush is doing just doesn't make sense.")
Mr. Maxwell took time off to campaign for Mr. Kerry in Pennsylvania and said he thought about leaving the country when President Bush prevailed. Instead, he said, he started to write "Reality." "I think a fair amount of the material came out of that, when I was so bummed out," he said.
The play tells the story of a group of security guards working in a unnamed "lobby citadel" and repeatedly fending off a lumbering thug. Described in press materials as a meditation on violence, the play's central action is a series of fight scenes - slow, exceedingly clumsy fight scenes - wedged between Mr. Maxwell's characters doing his trademark deadpan.
But Mr. Maxwell said he also had another goal with "Reality," namely breaking old habits. "I think I was seeing a pattern develop," Mr. Maxwell said of his previous plays' unaffected style. "You know that 'Seinfeld' episode where George does the opposite of whatever he usually does? That's kind of what I tried to do with every theatrical impulse I had."
In particular, Mr. Maxwell said, he gave his actors more leeway to, well, act. And sure enough, at several moments in "Reality," actors occasionally raise their voices, scream and slap each other around. "I never tell people to avoid realism or naturalism or what feels natural," he said. "It's just that I'm saying you're not obliged to pretend that you feel something."
Whether Mr. Maxwell continues on this passionate bent remains to be seen. His next project, a bilingual musical about a German family that moves to America in the 1800's, is due to be produced in Bonn in September. He said he also would like to take a swipe at "Henry IV, Part Two," despite the reaction to his "Part One," at B.A.M. And he would like to keep letting actors off the leash, if only to cut down on his own workload. "I've been expecting actors to take on more responsibilities," he said. "Because I hate blocking. It's dull, man."
January 16, 2006
I feel like posting another survey...
Current mood: thoughtfulA - AVAILABLE: Nope.
B - BEST FRIEND: Male: J. Paul, Female: Darci.
C - CRUSH: Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Joaquin Phoenix.
D - DADS NAME: Donald Jones.
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Myself.
F - FAVORITE BAND: Too many faves. I can't settle on one.
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: They're both digusting and full of gelatin. Bleah.
H - HOMETOWN: Mt. Vernon, KY.
I - INSTRUMENT: Theremin!
J - JOKE: George Bush, Jr.
K - KIDS: No thanks.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Kentucky to Los Angeles, in a moving truck, with two kitties and all my stuff in tow.
M - MILK FLAVOR: Soy, plain.
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One.
O - ONE WISH: Compassion, which will create peace.
P - PHOBIA: Strangers asking to use my pen.
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE: "Don, I'm gonna dig a hole and bury you." ~My mom, to my Dad.
R - REASON TO SMILE: Kitties!
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: The theme to "Jeeves and Wooster," coming from the living room.
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: Really late; 11:30. Hey, it's a holiday!
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: William Shatner flirted with me.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: There's no vegetable I _hate_, but I don't really care for beets.
W- WORST HABITS: Biting my cuticles.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Practically every flipping thing on my body.
Y - YUMMY FOOD: Louise's Trattoria's Classic 3-Cheese Ravioli.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo.
January 13, 2006
I desperately need to overhaul my website. I do not have the time and wherewithal to get started on it, however. I'm using circa 1999 HTML codes on so many of my pages, and my photo section needs to be restructured and updated so badly. But I have so much on my plate right now, it's one of the last tasks on my list of "things to do." My busy schedule includes being back in school, which is proving to be such a delight. It's intercession, so the pace is quite demanding, but I'm in a wonderful Intro to Philosophy class, instructed by a really bright and cool professor, Chris Pallotti. He lectures at a number of the LACCD schools, so if any of you have a chance to take a course with him, I highly recommend it. I'm also in an online playwriting class, which thus far has been pretty interesting. I do prefer the classroom environment, however. People's ridiculous misspellings in the classroom forums drive me crazy. These people are in college, for Christ's sake, and they spell like 7th graders. One of JPaul's ex-girlfriends has claimed "I'm a writer, not a speller." Well, guess what, honey -- you need to know how to spell to write successfully. Grow the fuck up and look a word up if you don't know how to spell it. That goes for everybody. Christ!Sorry, soapbox. Anyway, school is great. I have no immediate plans; just getting my feet wet again, and then we'll see what to do with it. Being in a more intellectual environment has certainly stirred my juices. And yes, you can take that however you like. :)
January 5, 2006
Joaquin Phoenix is so flippin' cool, man. His performance in Walk the Line is so fantastic, it reminded me of how good he was in other movies, like Clay Pigeons and Quills. Plus, he's a devoted vegan. I'd give him the damn Oscar, for sure.
Commentary Archives 2005
Commentary Archives 2004
Commentary Archives 2003
Commentary Archives 2002 June-November
Commentary Archives 2002 Jan-May
Commentary Archives 2001
Commentary Archives 1999-2000
Back to The Realm of Alexandra
